Prioritising friendships over romantic relationships: Sian’s story 

A common theme around connection within Millennial/Gen Z generations has been the movement away from prioritising finding romantic relationships and instead focusing on the emotional connections and joy we get from existing friendships. 

This is particularly true for women: the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship to achieve emotional and physical connections just doesn’t seem to exist with the certainty it has in previous generations. We are, arguably, being held and supported with a greater love from our friendships, than we are by our partners. 

There is of course still a lot of discourse around the pressure to be in a romantic relationship.

Women in general are often judged and valued on their abilities to maintain a long-term romantic relationship and are often judged for enjoying casual physical interactions. At the same time, many men are exposed to messages suggesting that success should centre around being the primary breadwinner, having a large family, and embracing traditional ideas of masculinity within romantic relationships. These expectations can place pressure on people of all genders to prioritise romantic relationships regardless of what they value and want for themselves. 
 
A pushback is happening though! More people choose to be single and are content to remain that way for the rest of their life, because the connections they are making romantically, are not meeting the expectations raised by the connections they hold through friendships. 

When I first heard about the concept of not needing a romantic connection as friendships fulfil emotional needs and wants, it was a revelation.

As someone in a long-term relationship, I have struggled at points with maintaining the initial romance and compromises around sharing my life with another person as expected. And when I think about the wonderful friendships I am lucky enough to experience, I can’t help but think, ‘do I not expect certain connections in my romantic relationship because they are being met outside by my friends?’ As I started to think more about this, I turned to my close friends and asked them how they feel about their romantic and platonic connections – here’s what they said… 

“I genuinely think that outside of that physical element of a relationship, there is nothing that a partner can do for me or with me that my friends cannot also do. They fulfil my life in such meaningful ways and they’re more consistent.  
They are a support network that is not just one person but multiple people with different strengths, weaknesses and opinions. They are honest, brutal but caring and reliable. I’ve never had a bad date with my best friends but I’ve had some terrible dates with ‘romantic’ interests. My demisexuality probably does contribute to this to a degree.”  – Em (she/her), 24 

“I feel a lot safer with my female friends and my friendships generally than I do in a romantic relationship. I feel like I can be myself a lot more around my friends, that they won’t judge me and they will call me out on my behaviour if they see something wrong. I can’t always trust someone will do this in a romantic relationship. I feel like my relationships can often start off as more performative like I’m doing things to get that person to like me whereas with my friends I don’t ever feel the need to do that. I feel that now we are way past the stage that if we are friends, we’re friends because we love each other pretty much unconditionally. Whereas with a partner? There are always gonna be some sort of conditions attached. I think the things that you go through with your friends as well can help build those bonds and make them stronger. You’re more likely to have gone through similar life events so I would say myself and some of my friends share similar traumas or similar negative experiences that have happened to us and I don’t always find that with the people I date.”  – Jaz (she/her), 26 

“I’m in my first relationship at the big age of 28. Most of my life before that, I’ve prioritised my friends and chose to be single. I’ve never felt lonely and have been very happy, whereas now I’m having a hard time balancing friends and my relationship because I didn’t realise how often a romantic partner expects to hang out.” – Anna (she/her), 28 

“My friendships are so rich, even if they’re not demanding or are long distance, they’re fulfilling. Romantic connections feel rubbish in comparison.” – Justyna (she/her), 25

“I prioritise my friendships over relationships because at the end of the day my girls have always been there for me and always will be, whereas a man is just a man! The way my girls feed my energy and my soul is like no other, a man simply cannot compare in my opinion! I never have to feel like I’m competing or like it’s hard work with my friends.”  – Angharad (she/her), 26 

“I think both friendship and dating have their own importance in life, and it really depends on the person and their past experiences. Being single can sometimes make you rely more on your friends, and for some people, that kind of connection and support can genuinely feel like enough for a while. But I don’t think that necessarily means they’ve stopped wanting to date or have a romantic connection. No matter how close you are to your friends, the dynamic is different. At the end of the day, most people still want someone they can share a different kind of intimacy with, someone to build a life with, spend time with, and experience things in a way that friendship may not always provide. Personally, I think both friendships and dating are important, just in different ways. It’s less about choosing one over the other and more about finding a healthy balance. And whether someone leans more towards friendships or dating probably depends a lot on where they are in life and what they’ve experienced before.”  – Ash (he/him), 26