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Treating consent as an ongoing conversation in long-term relationships can boost trust, confidence and pleasure. Here are some things to consider about consent, intimacy and sex in long-term relationships.
Developed in collaboration with the adult participation forum
Consent is important for every relationship and marriage. Whether you’ve been together for years or you’re only a few weeks in, and no matter how frequently you have sex, consent is key to maintaining a happy, healthy and respectful relationship.
What we mean by ‘sex’
Often when people talk about having sex for the first time, they mean having penetrative vaginal sex or anal sex. At Brook, when we talk about sex, we are usually talking about all forms of sexual contact between two or more people. This could include penetrative sex, oral sex and fingering amongst other things.
Here are some things to consider about consent, intimacy and sex in long-term relationships.
Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean your partner has to have sex with you or you have to have sex with your partner. Sex with your partner should always be something that you’re both entering into when you genuinely want to, without feeling pressured or unintentionally agreeing to. That is why consent is always important.
If you’ve fallen into a rhythm with sex and intimacy, it might be time to check-in with each other and tune into each other’s signals, body language and feelings to ensure enthusiastic agreement to intimacy.
Maybe you know that they’re feeling stressed at the moment, or you know where they are in their menstrual cycle and how that makes them feel, and you can tell from their facial expressions and body language how they’re feeling. You can use all these as cues to make sure your partner is enthusiastically agreeing to sex.
More about how to give and get consent
As people, we change over time as do our libidos, sexuality, likes and dislikes. Our mood, hormones and what else is going on in our lives can also all have an impact. So it’s natural that there might be changes to your relationship, intimacy and sex. It might be that you don’t enjoy the types of sex that you once did, and that’s okay.
Communicating this to your partner can help both of you adapt and evolve to each other’s likes and dislikes over time.
There are no rules when it comes to how often and what type of sex you have – it all depends on what you and your partner prefer and what works well for both of you.
It’s always okay to change your mind during sex, whether you’re simply not feeling it or you’re not enjoying what you’re doing. Read our tips on how to turn down your partner.
If you are worried about hurting your partner’s feelings, it is important to remember that you not wanting to have sex with them in the moment is not a reflection of how much you love them. In a relationship, it is important to understand and respect each other’s boundaries as that ensures you both are intimate in the ways you want to be.
Consent doesn’t have to be a ticking the box exercise – it can be fun, create more conversations about sex and intimacy and lead to a better understanding of each other. Talking about what you do and don’t like can boost trust and confidence in each other and ultimately lead to more pleasure. Asking your partner during sex if they’re enjoying something or what they’d like to do next can all help to make sure you’re both getting what you want out of your sex life.
Watch our Instagram reel: 4 things you need to know about consent and sex in long-term relationships Featuring Andy, a member of our 25+ Participation Forum
Just because you’re in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean your partner has to have sex with you or you have to have sex with your partner. Consent applies exactly the same in long-term relationships as outside of them. Here’s a reminder:
If your partner ever doesn’t respect you or doesn’t get consent – that’s not okay. More about relationships and abuse.
It can be difficult to have conversations about sex and intimacy but it’s a really important part of your relationship. It’s a good way to check-in with each other, revisit your boundaries and any changes in what you do and don’t like. For example, maybe you don’t want sex as much as you used to, or you want to try something different.
Here are some top tips on how to have conversations about intimacy with your partner(s).
It can be hard to talk in-depth about sex during sex itself, so make sure you make time to talk about it in other areas of your life. For example, maybe you bring it up on date night, before sex or after sex as a debrief. Checking in with each other about the sex you have and each other’s preferences will help you understand each other and have better sex.
If your partner does something that you don’t like, be honest about it. If it’s something that they’ve done for a while, you know they enjoy, or something you used to like but don’t any more, it can be difficult to let them know that you don’t enjoy it. But it will benefit both of you and your relationship if you’re honest.
To make it easier, you could try talking about it on a walk where there’s less eye contact, or even talking about it on the phone or over message. Keep in mind how it might make them feel and make sure you talk about things that you do enjoy that they do as well so it doesn’t feel like you’re criticising them.
One way to bring up the conversation is by talking about TV, films, books and what you thought about the sex scene/storylines in them. Maybe you use it as a way to comment on something you’d like to try or maybe you laugh at how unrealistic the scene is or comment on something you wouldn’t like.
It can be difficult to turn down your partner who you care about and you might be worried that they’ll feel rejected, but it’s really important that you find a way to express how you’re feeling rather than feeling pressured into sex.
Tips for turning down your partner:
Important
If you feel that you cannot reject your partner because you’re worried about your safety, it’s really important you get help.
More about abuse in relationships
If your partner turns you down, it can feel like rejection. Rejection looks different for everyone, but you might feel sad, angry or frustrated but it’s really important you don’t let those feelings affect your relationship and your response to your partner turning you down. Feeling rejected is a valid feeling, but it’s important you understand how to manage those emotions:
things to remind yourself
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