Sex and the menopause

It’s important to understand how some menopausal symptoms can get in the way of comfortable, pleasurable sex.

1. Get support with your mental health

If you’re not in the right headspace, it can be hard to become aroused (or turned on). As with any time in your life, mood swings, stress, anxiety or depression can all affect your desire for sex. Getting support can help.

Talking with your partner about how you feel and what’s going on for you can help them understand and support you. Explaining any physical or emotional effects of the menopause and perimenopause can help your partner understand why you’re not in the mood for sex, or if you need adjustments to help make sex more comfortable.

You might also find prioritising yourself by getting enough sleep, doing exercise, meeting friends can also help with your mental health. There are also lots of places you can go for mental health support, take a look at our page on menopause support for more information.

It can be difficult to talk about the menopause and ask for support, and some people face additional barriers (including transgender people who may worry about ‘outing’ themselves by talking about or showing menopause symptoms). But whatever your situation, you’re not alone and there are places you can get support.

2. Let go of the script

There are no rules when it comes to what sex and how much sex you should be having.

Everyone is unique and what we like changes over time. And that applies in long term relationships, too! You might find that the type or frequency of sex you enjoyed in the past just doesn’t do it for you anymore, or you might be curious about trying new things. Feeling this way isn’t a critique of previous sexual encounters; rather, it’s an opportunity to broaden your experiences. By communicating and exploring together with your partner, you can learn about what feels pleasurable for you at this time of your life.

3. Be intimate in other ways

You shouldn’t feel any pressure to have sex, or a certain type of sex, if that’s not what you want. You might find simply being affectionate is a good way of helping you feel connected with your body and close to your partner.

4. Try new things

Finding out that the sex you’ve had in the past no longer works for you can be frustrating, especially if you don’t know what does work! It might take you longer to become aroused or turned on or you might find that different things turn you on now that didn’t before.

Exploring what you like by yourself might be a good way to get in touch with your body and explore what feels good. There are lots of different types of sex and sex doesn’t have to end in an orgasm. Pleasure looks different for everyone and at different times of life.

5. Manage your physical symptoms

If you want to have vaginal sex, either with sex toys or penises, both vaginal dryness and an overactive bladder can cause discomfort. Here are just a few things that might help:

Vaginal dryness

• Use lube during sex
• Try vaginal moisturisers if vaginal dryness is effecting your daily life
• See your GP – they might be able to prescribe HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in the form of vaginal ring, creams, patches and gels that contain oestrogen that can increase your arousal and natural lubrication.

Overactive bladder

• Try different types of sex, e.g. oral
• Put down a towel in case you leak during sex to give yourself peace of mind (this can be a good idea anyway – sex gets messy!)
• Try different sex positions – some positions put more pressure on the bladder than others
• Go for a wee before sex so you’re less worried about leaking
• Try reducing how much you drink in the build up to sex so there’s less pressure on the bladder
• Practice pelvic floor exercises daily – these can help strengthen the muscles around the bladder and give you more control (as well as giving you stronger orgasms and increasing your sensitivity during sex!)
• Take breaks if needed – make sure you’re comfortable during sex, this includes going for a wee break if you need to.