My ADHD & perimenopause journey: Vicky’s story

Am I going mad? Could it be early onset dementia? Depression? Anxiety? What’s happening to my skin, hair, attitude, life?! Why can’t I move off this chair? This was me in 2021.

My recent ADHD diagnosis doesn’t change anything in the past. I’ve always had ADHD and managed just fine. In hindsight it affected me regularly, especially when my hormones were fluctuating (so once a month then!). But ok, fine, I survived. That was until perimenopause hit and I was no longer fine and just couldn’t manage anymore.  

2019 had been tough for us as my stepson had a successful but intensive battle with cancer. Covid was terrifying as he had no immune system, but we got through it all ok. Covid changed everything for everyone didn’t it? I didn’t notice the slow creep of symptoms of perimenopause, or how they elevated my undiagnosed ADHD, as we were all dealing with a global pandemic.

It was hard to measure what was outside of my normal because we were all living under a new normal.  

I’ve always just got on with things and worked around problems. Meeting people where they are, not where I am! But suddenly I couldn’t push through. The world was opening back up and I was stuck in a chair scrolling on my phone, frozen, and unable to do basic tasks.

The slow fluttering of anxiety I’d always felt used to be my tool to get things done. But suddenly it became chest thumping waves of panic. And the rage! The sweet, hormonal rage! At the same time, my ADHD sense of justice was now on hormonal steroids, and I was beside myself with sorrow and rage about what was happening around us. I just couldn’t cope with it all and I knew something wasn’t right. I wasn’t sure if it was perimenopause or ADHD? The hot flashes and lack of sleep were the final symptoms that pushed me to solve the perimenopause problem first.

My GP told me I was too young (44) and it couldn’t be perimenopause.

But my ADHD helped me hyperfocus and do my research in advance, so I was expecting a brush off. I knew what I wanted.

As I explained to my GP, I had put up with being ruled by hormones since I was a teenager, and I was not going to be immobilised in my own life for a few years until I reached the “average” age that fits in with accessing treatment. Once I began discussing vagina atrophy and sex, he couldn’t get me off the phone quick enough.

I found a local specialist and booked a private appointment to make sure I got the right dosage and advice. The Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) provided instant relief to nearly all my symptoms and I’m an advocate for it 100%. My husband was no longer frightened of me, and I stopped feeling like I was going mad. Excellent, problem solved!

…Or not! The lifelong coping mechanisms I had established to get through school, my working life and home had been blown out the water during the change to routine in the Covid era.  Plus, now I had some understanding of ADHD and realised that the HRT didn’t help solve those problems.

I decided a routine was what I needed – time to go back to work!

But I’d changed too much. It was a massive effort to get by and appear to be normal and functioning. After I finished work for the day it took me the evening to recover. But at least I was doing something. I desperately wanted to carry on working and knew I’d need help but felt stupid and fake for thinking I had ADHD. My two brothers are both diagnosed, but I was the “normal” one. I think it was hard to see my symptoms when there were two ‘classic’ bouncy ADHD boys and I was the people-pleasing girl who was quietly exploding within but saying nothing.

I’ve heard people say, “aren’t we all just a little ADHD”, but when it affects you and your life, your family, colleagues, how you see the world and (more importantly) yourself that’s when it can be disabling.

I decided to contact a local ADHD charity and start the process of getting a diagnosis. I didn’t have the strength to work and deal with my GP for a referral. It took a while and eventually I received my official diagnosis and started meds.

The diagnosis helped me recognise and acknowledge and begin to deal with things in the past, plan what helps and be a bit kinder to myself.

The ADHD meds are trial and error, sometimes they’re super helpful and sometimes make me feel rotten and just not worth it. But they do help, and I can decide when I need to take them. The first time I took them I got up to get a glass of water. That is the story. No noise, no side quests. I got up, got a drink, returned to my desk. Absolute witchcraft!

As I’m perimenopausal my hormones still fluctuate, so my ADHD can too. If I recognise it I can plan my work and day/week to fit in with how I’m feeling and what my brain can physically do without burning out.

I could weep for how bad things have been for “past me” and how things may have been different if I’d have known then. But I didn’t and that’s fine, at least I can look forward with awareness and kindness to myself. 

If you suspect you are perimenopausal or have ADHD and you’re struggling, then don’t hesitate to seek help and/or a diagnosis.

Ultimately, HRT & ADHD Meds haven’t solved 46 years of existing, but the world is changing. Brook seems to be right at the forefront of adapting our services and learning about Neurodiversity and women’s sexual health at all ages so I’m excited to be here talking openly about it.