How to give and get consent

What is consent?

To consent means to agree to something. The word can be used in lots of different situations. When it comes to sex specifically, ‘to consent’ means to agree to have sex or engage in sexual activity.  

To consent to sexual activity means to agree freely and with full capacity to engage in that activity. This means that someone has to be able to agree to sexual activity with full understanding of what they are agreeing to, and no pressure to say ‘yes’. Find out more about what ‘freedom’ and ‘full capacity’ means in the context of consent.

Another way of thinking about it is consent is someone saying ‘yes’ only when they REALLY mean ‘yes’ because it is something they genuinely want to do, not because they feel like they should or don’t understand what it is they are agreeing to. This is sometimes called ‘enthusiastic consent’.  

It’s important that everyone involved in sexual activity is consenting at all times. No one should ever feel they have to do something they are not comfortable with or don’t want to do. Just because you have consented to one thing doesn’t mean you have consented to something else. It’s completely okay to say ‘no’ or stop at any point if you don’t want to continue. It doesn’t matter who the other person is, what your relationship with them is, how far you’ve gone with them or others in the past. You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time. 

Physical, emotional and psychological pressure may be used to force someone else into sexual activity. Just because someone does not hold you down and make you engage in a sexual act against your will or if you do not say ‘no’, it does not mean you have consented. 

Communicating about sex and consent 

Talking about sex can be difficult and may feel awkward which can put people off. However, communication is key to understanding and expressing what you and your partner want.  

This means it’s important to practice ways of asking others for consent, listen to their response, and pause to check in on their wellbeing. It is also crucial to do the same for yourself! 

Giving and getting consent doesn’t have to be a stiff, awkward, formal conversation. It can (and should) be a continuous dialogue about what you want, don’t want, like and don’t like. 

There are practical ways of negotiating consent. This starts with good communication. It doesn’t have to be verbal but it does involve: 

• Checking what you want 
• Checking what your partner wants 
• Finding ways of expressing what you want/don’t want/enjoy/don’t enjoy 
• Listening to/understanding what your partner wants/doesn’t want 

The more you talk about sex, desire, relationships, pleasure and your body, the less awkward it will be.

And remember: no matter how bumpy or stilted these conversations may be, practicing consent every time you have sex or sexual activity is always the right approach.  

Giving consent

Practicing good consent involves checking in with yourself and thinking about your feelings, emotions and body.  

• Mental: what am I thinking?  
• Emotional: how am I feeling? 
• Physical: how is my body responding?  

Although our bodies give us cues, we always need to take our thoughts and emotions into account as well. Just because your body is responding in a certain way, such as your penis becoming erect or your vulva getting wet, doesn’t mean you have to have sex if you don’t want to. 

Withdrawing consent 

You have the right to withdraw consent at any time. When you do, your partner(s) should respect your wishes immediately and without question. Just because you have consented to one thing doesn’t mean you have consented to something else, and it’s completely okay to say ‘no’ or stop at any point if you don’t want to continue. 

You don’t have to explain to your partner(s) why you have withdrawn consent if you don’t want to. And you can give consent again if you’re feelings change and you want to continue. 

Getting consent

Practicing consent doesn’t have to interrupt the flow of sex. It means paying attention to your partner’s actions, words and sounds every time you have sex and throughout each sexual encounter.  

You should always check what they want and enjoy.  

Take a moment to: 

• Ask your partner if sexual activity is what they want and if it feels good. 
• Listen to what they say. 
• Read your partner’s body language.  

Remember, if you say ‘no’, or if someone else says ‘no’, whether through words or through body language, you must always respect their wishes immediately, and they must respect yours. 

Ask 

Here are some examples of the sorts of questions you might ask your partner to find out what they want and how they feel. 

• “What would you like to happen next?” 
• “How are you doing? Do you want to carry on?”  
• “Fancy going on top?”  
• “I’d like to try ___, what do you think?” 
• “You seem tired, do you want to rest/stop?”  

Listen 

The absence of a ‘no’ doesn’t equal consent. Sometimes ‘no’ is hard to say. Pay attention to your partner and pick up on what they might be trying to say. If you aren’t sure, double check and keep communicating. Never assume! 

Read 

You also pay attention to non-verbal cues.   

Sexting and consent

Consent also applies to sending nudes or sexting. You should never be pressured into doing or sending something you don’t want to. You should also never pressure someone into sending you sexual messages, or send them sexual messages without their consent. 

Cyberflashing means sending nudes to someone without their permission and is a criminal offence. More about cyberflashing

There are more things to be aware of with sexting, take a look at our webpage for more information.

Getting help

If someone forces you to do something sexual that you do not want to do,  it is never your fault and it is not okay. If this has happened to you, you should speak to someone you trust to get help and support and report what has happened. How to report sexual violence. 

More help and support