Becoming parents with no warning – Hannah and Kieran’s story 

Kieran: The first part of our journey as parents was very hard because we didn’t know we were having Elsie. We didn’t know that Hannah was pregnant until we went to the hospital and found out she was already in labour. Not only were we dealing with having a child, which is already life changing, but also going to the hospital and not knowing we were having a child and 24 hours later being parents. 

Hannah: I had stomach pains and I said to Kieran ‘Gosh this feels like giving birth. This is so bad.’ Eventually, we went to A&E and they said I was 25 weeks pregnant and tried to send me home.

And then it turned out that actually I was full term and in labour! 

After I gave birth we had to share a room because obviously it was all a surprise and the hospital wasn’t prepared. And Kieran was in shock so he sat there and explained Brexit to me.  

Kieran: I don’t even remember that but that sounds like something I would do.  

Hannah: I remember just thinking this couldn’t be a more confusing time in my life, quite honestly. Sitting there having just had a baby I didn’t know I was pregnant with, in a dark crowded room, and my boyfriend is trying to explain Brexit to me.  

Kieran: ‘There’s this border in the Irish Sea…’ 

Why we didn’t know about the pregnancy 

Hannah: I had something called a cryptic pregnancy, which is where you don’t look pregnant. And the reason I got pregnant is because I was on new medication which counteracts the pill.* The weird thing was, the side effects of the medication were really similar to the side effects of pregnancy, things like achy joints. I have never had regular periods, they have always been 2-6 months between each one, so I didn’t notice a change in the pattern. I would panic every now and then and do a pregnancy test, and I think I did one early on in the pregnancy but it showed up as negative because it was too soon to tell.**  

At the time, I wasn’t in a happy place with myself. I worked a lot, I never paid attention to how my body was feeling, and anything weird that I noticed I put down to the medication. I was also going out a lot and throwing up a lot.

It’s very normal to throw up in the mornings when you’re hungover, but it’s also very normal to throw up in the mornings when you’re pregnant! 

One of the worst feelings was when we were in the hospital and they took Elsie to get scanned because I had drunk alcohol while pregnant (because I didn’t know I was!) Luckily, she was totally fine and healthy, but until we knew that it was such a horrible feeling. 

Making a choice 

Kieran: The first thought we had was that we couldn’t do it.  

Hannah: Adoption felt like the only option, what else could we do? We were considering an open adoption and finding a really great family, and would see her whenever we wanted, which was probably pretty naive. 

Kieran: And then our family were around us, and there was a calm. They sort of said you can’t do that, not in an authoritative way but they could see that it was painful. They weren’t trying to convince us of anything, it wasn’t their decision, but there was a reassurance, a blanket of comfort, that helped us feel like we could do it.  

Making it work 

Hannah: The initial plan was for Elsie to stay with my dad until we were both on our feet and ready and stable, but then we just sort of fell into it. We fell into just… her. Into looking after this baby. It gave us a moment to step back and go ‘we can do it’. We have family and friends, and that is honestly what made it.

I couldn’t imagine doing it without a support system, I know so many people do. It must be so hard, and people who do that must be so strong to be able to. 

Kieran: That first experience stayed with us for a long time. We saw new sides of ourselves. Everyone did really well, our families were amazing, but it was super stressful. Even if you’ve had nine months to prepare it’s the hardest job in the world, let alone with no preparation! 

Hannah: It was hard, we argued a lot. I feel like our dynamic also changed a lot depending on our work schedules. When I was doing long shifts and not getting enough sleep, and Kieran was working full time, we got competitive and annoyed with each other. It’s taken time to understand the different types of work of being a parent, how to balance that. Now we work five days a week, have Elsie alone one day and together one day, so it’s all very equal.  

The joys of being parents 

Hannah: We got to spend so much time together during the lockdown which was so nice. After initially being thrown into being parents, it gave us time to actually find the enjoyment in the little things, spending time together, going for walks, finding our own routine without the pressures for work or social commitments. It made us fall into being a family. We were lucky to get the time that not many parents get, to enjoy your kid being a kid. Without that we may have struggled. 

It’s also been wonderful slowly seeing her interests develop; things she enjoyed as a baby are slowly becoming a bit of a personality. 

Kieran: I really like seeing her interact with other kids her age. We were the only people we knew with a child that age, we didn’t know any other parents. Since she’s been at nursery and made more friends, it’s been lovely seeing how her friendships have grown. I wish I could be a fly on the wall at her nursery and watch her interact with the other kids. 

Hannah: Another thing that is so special is having the first kid of a friendship group. It’s blissful when you’re surrounded with your friends, the people you love, and you see them play with your kid. Seeing two sides of your life that you love so much enjoying each other, and seeing your friends fully accepting this change in your life, confirms they’re there for you. It affirms that this change hasn’t torn apart your life, it’s sustainable, and some part of your old life can still continue. 

Challenges of being a young parent 

Kieran: One of the challenges of being young working parents is that you both most likely need to work full time. It’s hard striking that balance of trying to spend time with Elsie and also not burning yourself out because you’re working a lot.

You try to make the most of the time you have, which is difficult because when you get home at the end of the day everyone is exhausted. 

Hannah: Something else that’s hard is that as they get older and really start questioning things, you start noticing the little stories kids get told, and thinking is this going to negatively affect them. I find myself thinking back to things I read as a kid and suddenly thinking ‘oh no, is that actually going to be a problem?’ 

It’s especially hard with conversations about eating. I’m trying to be aware of my language around food, especially knowing how diet culture and societal fashions have affected my own body image. I’m so careful of using the right language for her.  

At nursery they talk about healthy and unhealthy foods, and already that’s being ingrained in her. I don’t want her to view any food as negative because it’s so important to learn that ‘this is food you can eat lots of and this is food you can have bits of at a time.’ But also you have to stop them at a certain point and say ‘actually you need to eat an apple you can’t have fish fingers every day.’ 

The importance of community 

Kieran: Having people around you is so important when raising children, whether that’s family or other parents. The way this country deals with parenting makes it so hard, even when you’re in a relationship, let alone for single parents. Paternity leave here is 2-3 weeks, which I think is disgraceful. 

Hannah: And you get seven months statutory maternity leave, which lots of people have to take before they’ve even given birth. Plus, nursery costs are wild, you don’t get any government help until your child is two or three, depending on your income. I read something about how being a working mum has become a privilege because childcare is prohibitively expensive. Which means you can end up getting really isolated if you have to be a stay-at-home mum against your will, and not going into nursery means you’re not meeting other parents.  

I would love to make friends with other parents. Family and friends are great at talking about things, but it would be nice to get a perspective from someone who is parenting right now, even just for the small details like recommendations for primary schools or a good time of day to get your kid to have a nap. 

Being a young mum 

Hannah: We’re in a weird position, because we never technically counted as young parents, which meant we missed out on all those provisions. But then we were also a lot younger than most people with kids, which made hard it to connect with parents at groups; I think a lot of parents at the groups know each other from the prenatal classes, which I didn’t get. I’d be sat between these parents talking about getting an extension or doing up their kitchen – I can’t tell you how many times I’d be stuck between people having conversations about house renovations and in my head I was just going ‘What?! This is so far from my reality I can’t even add anything.’ 

Kieran: In those situations you’ve got two people who couldn’t be further apart in terms of what stage of their life they’re being parents. 

Hannah: And then the other side of it is that because I looked younger than I was, I got the looks in the street that you would get as a really young parent. I remember when I was with my younger sister when she was really young (she’s quite a bit younger than me) and this woman said to me ‘oh she’s not your daughter is she?’ And I said no, and she said ‘oh thank goodness, so many young people are having kids these days.’ Sometimes I’ll be with Elsie and remember that moment and wonder what that lady would think about me now with my actual daughter.  

I also found buses really tricky when Elsie was little. Once I got the buggy on the bus and then went to the front to tap my oyster and the driver pressed the ‘please do not leave your buggy unattended for your child’s safety’ button four times, it was so embarrassing. There have been times when I’m even standing next to the buggy and they’re pressing the button, or people will be looking at me funny and I’m just thinking ‘do you want me to get in the buggy?’  

Kieran: ‘Budge up Elsie, I need to get in!’ 

As a mum with a young kid you feel like everyone’s eyes are on you, so stuff like that is mortifying because you feel very seen and like you’re getting it wrong all the time. 

Hannah

Kieran: We have this thing in this country where people turn their noses up at young mums with unexpected babies. Whereas they look at the dads and go ‘aw well, that’s good isn’t it, he stuck around.’ Why do I get that free pass, and why do you get that conversation with that woman saying ‘I hope she’s not yours?’ They wouldn’t say that to me. 

Ways parenthood has changed us 

Hannah: For a long time, I was so focused on thinking about who I was meant to be in the first part of being a mum. And it’s very common to not know who you are because there’s so much pressure. Then, as your kid starts growing up a bit, you get to a point where you can’t even remember who you were before and what you did on a daily basis. There’s a strange feeling of that before life being a bit alien. I can’t imagine it or remember it.  

And that was probably particularly the case for us because there was no transition phase. The whole birth was just complete trauma and then I came out of two months of trauma straight into proving something. And now I think I’ve proved that, and I can take a step back and enjoy it and find out what to do in my own time.  

Kieran: Another thing is that your priorities change, obviously. I’ve learnt that people can adapt quite quickly when they need to.

Loads of people say ‘Oh, I couldn’t do it’ but you actually probably could because it’s like a light switch, you just get on with it. I didn’t realise I was that good at adapting to difficult situations. 

Our advice for young parents 

Kieran: It will be fine. It absolutely will be fine. It won’t feel like it at certain stages, but you will get to a point where you look back and go ‘I’m so proud of myself, I’m so proud of my partner, I’m so proud of my family for being able to do this.’ It’s one of the biggest things you will ever do. Have a lot of faith in yourself. You’ll feel like you can’t do it, but you’ll find it in yourself.

Don’t be too hard yourself, you’re still growing yourself as a human being. 

Hannah: Don’t try to be perfect, in any sense of the word. What’s best for a baby is to be comforted and loved. As long as you’re doing that, don’t feel like you have to put on a show because it will just tire you out and it won’t make any difference to how you’re doing. Don’t worry about being judged and just enjoy the really nice bits. They grow up really quickly and you realise you’re getting older, too. So enjoy every lovely little moment. Because even if you’re young, it’s just as nice as feeling like it’s the right time to have kids.  

Also there is no right time. Everyone says that: you make it up as you go. Every kid is going to be different and you can’t plan for each kid because you never know what you’re going to get. 

Kieran: Like a box of chocolates!  

To find out more about the ups and downs of parenting your early 20s listen to The Milk Diaries podcast.

If you’re worried about an unplanned or unexpected pregnancy, you can speak to your local Brook service, GP or sexual health service for support. More about pregnancy

* It’s important to let your doctor or healthcare professional know if you are using the contraceptive pill or another hormonal method of contraception before you start taking any new medication as they will be able to let advise you on whether or not the new medication will affect the contraception. 

** Pregnancy tests should be taken at least 3 weeks after unprotected sex (or sex where your contraception may have failed). Any earlier and they may show a false negative result.