Bisexuality and bi-erasure: Alice’s story

Being a bisexual woman in a straight-presenting relationship isn’t exactly headline news. I’m sure there are many people, like me, who had their bisexual awakening watching Hayley Williams of Paramore and then fell in love with a man, seemingly putting an end to their queer journey.

I should say before we get going that I am incredibly lucky to have fallen in love with a man who has gone out of his way to learn about LGBTQ+ life and culture and allows me to wave my bi flag proudly whenever it strikes me to. Yet sometimes I feel somewhat outside of or other than when it comes to being bisexual.

Bi-erasure is a term I have only learnt in the last few years – it is the tendency to ignore, remove or explain away evidence of bisexuality in culture, media, or news. In society at large we like to group people together through the binary lens; we can be straight, or we can be gay and therefore quite often bisexual people are dismissed. And when we are acknowledged it is often in the guise of biphobia…

“Oh, it’s just a phase”

“Bisexual people are just greedy”

“Isn’t everyone a little bit bi?”

What this means is that, because I am dating a man, I am no longer seen as bisexual.

That part of my identity is explained away based on the fact that my partner is a cis-man and we live and love in a monogamous relationship. And to be honest, that perception kind of sucks!

I’m 30 years old and I’ve never come out to my parents. I’ve never been to a queer club night where I’ve felt visibly represented. I don’t feel kink spaces are accessible to me and my partner. I feel conflicted internally.

Am I bi enough to claim I am part of this community?

I don’t feel society sees my queerness as valid whilst I am a woman dating a man.

But queer culture and identity is a part of who I am – I still find women attractive, I read books and watch movies about queer love and heartbreak, I listen to sapphic music and dance to songs by queer artists (if you’re reading this Chappell Roan, thank you), I celebrate Pride and advocate for the lives of queer individuals. I have the support of my partner and I have a small handful of friends who exist in a similar sphere, yet I still feel I have to fight to be seen as bisexual by the wider world.

Putting my own relationship with bisexuality aside, it’s important to recognise that the consequences of bi-erasure isn’t just about feeling left out. It can lead to a lot of different long term mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. Research shows that bisexual individuals experience these health issues at higher rates than other people in the LGBTQ+ community and it’s no surprise when many of these individuals feel they have to either hide this part of their identity or have to defend it constantly.

So what can we do to combat bi-erasure? Mayber better representation is the place to start. How many famous bisexual people can you name? How many real world examples, or even fictional examples, can you think of that accurately and positively represent bisexual people? We need to see more positive representation of bisexual people online and in fictional media and we need to start celebrating individuals who are bisexual, rather than dismissing this or hiding it.

We can include bisexual identity in education. When we are having conversations about sex and relationships, we should be talking about more than just men and women having penetrative sex and getting married. Let’s talk about LGBTQ+ sex and love and demonstrate that the world we live in has so many unique people having unique experiences that are fulfilling and diverse. Seeing this representation in education as the norm could change the life of a young person, letting them know who they are and who they love is valid and something to be celebrated!

Let’s start to look at the world through a more inclusive lens and enjoy how diverse we all are.

Let’s not assume that everyone we meet is straight; Let’s assume that everyone we meet could identify in any way, and let’s approach them with kindness, respect, and acceptance. As soon as we start doing this, we open the opportunity for more connection with one another and ultimately more joy.

I think that is what it is about for myself too – meeting my identity with kindness and acceptance and not allowing anyone, including myself, to invalidate that.

Top tips for celebrating your bi identity:

• Find people who allow you to be you – having the support of others makes all the difference so find the people who champion your identity as much as you do.
• Keep learning – read books, watch TV and film, listen to music or podcasts, go to talks and events which centre the voices of bisexual people in a positive way.
• Celebrate bisexual voices – engaging with likeminded others helps us find community, and when we celebrate these people, we open the door for others to be proud of their identity too.
• Wear the flag and speak up – challenging bi-erasure and showing your identity when you feel safe can change lives, set positive examples and make you feel great!