Realising I’m on the aromatic-asexual spectrum: Vin’s story 

The asexual-aromantic spectrum is vast and at times it can be very daunting. The realisation my sexuality fit somewhere along that spectrum was a gradual fizz with a loud pop. It was weird. So many of my friends at that time were becoming interested in people and I just didn’t get the appeal. When I was in year 9, I decided I must be bi because what I was feeling for girls was the exact same feeling I was feeling for guys – except I wasn’t really feeling anything. I thought it’d take time to develop, to change, like it did for all my friends. 

That year, I got my first boyfriend. We became close friends quickly and decided to give it a go because, well, why wouldn’t we? The easiest way to describe it was that it was nice. That’s all it was; nice. Whenever we kissed, I didn’t feel much of anything, and if I did then it was just the constant thought of ‘Am I doing this right?’ Or ‘Is he enjoying this?’ Because to me it was just another trick in the book I was trying to perfect, and it never seemed like as much of a thing to me as it did to other people. 

I decided to test the theory that maybe you’ve just got to find someone right for you.

It took a lot of energy and a lot of first kisses to decide that no, it’s not about the right person if the right person isn’t me. I love rom coms and all things cringy romance and so it hurt when I slowly started to realise that maybe, I wouldn’t get that kind of happy ending. It made me shut off from people for a while, until I realised that by doing that not only was I hurting myself, but also my friends, the ones who were meant to be the most important people in my life. 

I’ve had a little bit of time to process things, and I’ve learned to not be ashamed of being on the asexual spectrum because there’s no reason I should be.

Many people don’t understand how I feel, and that’s okay because it’s not their normal, it’s mine. I’m the only one that has to learn how to feel comfortable in it. The happy ending I’ve always imagined, finding someone that I just fit with isn’t realistic at all. Not just for me but for everyone, on the spectrum or not. Relationships are messy, all types of relationships, but that’s what makes them so special. I often say that the love I might’ve held for a romantic partner in another life, is now designated to my friends.  

But maybe, this notion of a happy ending for some isn’t fully left in the dust. My way is just one way of many to express my sexuality. Many people settle down in different ways. For example: a platonic life partner. This is someone you choose to spend your life with. This doesn’t mean you have to go down a traditional route; get married, have kids, grow old. It just means that you’ve chosen this person to be your person. To spend your life with, to seek comfort from them. And if you decide to have kids with them, then you have kids with them. If you decide to get married, you get married. With no pressure to be sexually, or even romantically, interested in them. Every relationship is unique and this is for the both of you to foster and put effort into, in whatever way you seem fit. It doesn’t have to make sense to others, as long as it makes sense to you. 

Many people also think that if you’re on the asexual aromantic spectrum it means you don’t have sex, which isn’t actually true.

Like I said before, the spectrum is very vast. Someone on the spectrum can range from sex-repulsed to simply indifferent. Some aro-ace people still have sex, for a variety of reasons. This is when the importance of self-care plays a vital role. Sex can be very vulnerable and it requires some checking in with yourself. Beforehand some checks might be; Are you feeling pressured? Are you comfortable with how things are going? Are you staying safe? You are allowed to change your mind. And afterwards would be; How am I feeling? How would I like to take care of myself? Do I want to leave or stay a while? Sex is always going to be different for us, and that’s okay as long as we are taking care of ourselves.  

Sometimes, there are still days I wish I could fit cis-het standards and I end up pushing my own boundaries; going on dates with people that don’t interest me or going on useless pursuits to ‘prove’ my sexuality. Taking a step back from everything and even the fact that my sexuality works differently from most public narratives can be really difficult and mentally draining. I’m still figuring out the depths of my sexuality and I will be for the rest of my life. But no matter where on the spectrum I identify, I know there’s a community behind me and people I can talk to, who are dealing with similar situations. It’s this that really propels me forward and stops me thinking too much. Most people’s stories aren’t the same, but we all still gain strength from each other.

The community is there for you too, if you ever want to talk to someone who might’ve been in your shoes, or to learn something new.  

Whether you’ve just started figuring out the aro-ace spectrum, or you’ve been looking into it for a while, just know that there’ll always be someone around you can talk to.