What is sexuality?

‘Sexuality’ describes how we express ourselves in a sexual way – how we see ourselves and physically relate to others. It includes someone’s sexual behaviours, attractions, desires, and fantasies.  

Sexuality can be fluid, which means it can change. You might find your sexual desires and attractions change over time or in different situations. For example, someone’s sex drive (i.e. desire for sex) may increase and decrease over the course of their menstrual cycle.  

It can take time to understand your sexuality and what you do and don’t enjoy, what fantasies you may want to recreate in real life and which ones you want to remain imaginary.  You don’t have to have had sex in order to know your sexuality – there are lots of ways to explore your sexuality without engaging in sexual activity with another person, such as through masturbation.  

Your sexuality can be expressed through your behaviours, attitudes and relationships. These feelings and experiences are often influenced by environmental factors such as your friends, culture and religion.

Part of someone’s sexuality is their sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is who a person feels attraction towards and wants to have sex with.

No one really knows what influences our sexual orientation, but every single one of us has a sexual orientation. We can’t choose or control who we’re attracted to, and this can change over time.  

Some sexual orientation terms include:  

• Gay – Someone who is attracted only to people the same gender as them (often used to describe men)  
• Lesbian – A woman or non-binary person who is attracted to people the same gender as them  
• Straight – Someone who us only attracted to people of a different gender, e.g. a woman who is only attracted to men or a man who is only attracted to women  
• Bisexual – Someone who is attracted to two or more genders, e.g. men and women  
• Asexual – Someone who doesn’t feel sexually attracted to anyone  

People might divide orientation into sexual and romantic attraction. This means that who a person wants to have sex with may be different to the people they want to have a relationship with. For example, someone may be asexual but homoromantic, meaning that they don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone but still want to have relationships with people of the same gender.  

This is the acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. The ‘+’ is used to include other identities beyond those in the acronym. It is also sometimes written as LGBTQ+, in which case the Q stands for ‘queer’ or, less often, ‘questioning.’   

Sometimes those under the LGBT+ umbrella refer to themselves as being ‘queer.’ This was previously used as an insulting term but has been reclaimed by some LGBT+ people. It’s a personal choice, and not everyone will feel comfortable with it, so check with someone if you’re not sure if they are.  

You may hear LGBT+ referred to as a ‘community.’ This is because many LGBT+ people create spaces where they feel safe and accepted to be themselves. Society can often assume that everyone is straight (heterosexual) until someone comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or otherwise, with straight being viewed as the ‘normal’ sexuality. This is a myth – being LGBT+ is not ‘abnormal.’ It is a totally valid and acceptable way of being and should be treated as such.   

 Telling other people about your sexual orientation, often called ‘coming out,’ is often expected of LGBT+ people. Not every LGBT+ person will choose to come out – some may never feel the need to, and some may not feel safe to.  

‘Coming out’ is when someone tells someone else about their LGBT+ identity. In relation to sexuality, this means telling someone that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or any other sexuality which isn’t straight. Trans and non-binary people may also choose to ‘come out.’   

This process exists because we live in a society where most people assume everyone is straight and cisgender (identify as the gender they were assigned at birth).   

It’s important to have a support network that accepts you regardless of your sexual orientation or gender identity, and there are many LGBT+ organisations that can help if you feel isolated. Remember, you are not alone.  

Where to go for LGBT+ support