Abortion: advice for partners

If a sexual partner becomes pregnant from having sex with you, and decides to have the baby, you may be held financially responsible for the upbringing of the child. This might be the case even if you are no longer in a relationship with the other person, or if you choose not to have an active part in the child’s life.  

If your partner becomes pregnant from having sex with you and decides to have an abortion, they may do so without your agreement.  

Under UK law, a pregnant person’s partner has no legal right to make them have an abortion or to prevent them from having one.  If someone does decide to have an abortion, this decision  must be approved by two doctors who agree with the pregnant person that it is in their best interests to have one. 

Find out more about abortion and the law. 

Partners’ experiences of involvement in decisions about pregnancy vary widely. Some may be very supportive of their partners and are involved in a decision that is mutually agreed. Some may have no involvement because their partner may choose not to inform them of the pregnancy or include them in any decisions regarding it. Some partners may become the sole decision-makers, such as through coercion or abuse.  

Healthy involvement 

People in a happy, committed relationship may feel more able to talk to each other about their feelings, opinions and anxieties around a pregnancy. Here are some examples of things people in a relationship might discuss about a pregnancy: 

• Their current circumstances and how having a child could impact on their lives. 

• Their hopes for the future, and how and when children would fit this picture. 
• How the pregnant person has the final decision when it comes to deciding what to do about a pregnancy, but that it will be discussed and both sides have a right to thoughts, feelings and opinions.   

Lack of involvement 

Some pregnant people choose not to inform their partner of an unplanned pregnancy. This may be because:  

• The pregnancy was a result of casual sex, with each person going their separate ways afterwards; 

• The pregnant person believes that it is their body that is affected by the pregnancy, and therefore it is their choice what to do; 
• The pregnant person is worried they will be blamed or punished by their partner for failing to use contraception effectively; 
• The pregnancy was the result of rape, meaning the pregnant person may not want or be able to communicate with the person responsible. 

Unhealthy involvement 

Sometimes family members may prevent someone from having an abortion or try to force them into one because of their ideas about pregnancy, sex outside of marriage or abortion. 

If a pregnancy happens in an abusive relationship, the abusive person may use coercion to make their partner have an abortion or prevent them from having one, such as by threatening to break up with them or using other forms of manipulation. 

Fear of intimidation or violence within a relationship can make it increasingly difficult for a someone to act on their right to make a decision about either sex or pregnancy, leading to their partner becoming the sole decision maker. This is an unsafe situation to be in, and every person deserves to be in relationships that make them feel safe and able to make decisions that are right for them.  

Find out more about abusive relationships.

If you are worried about your partner’s reaction 
If you are undecided about what you want to do about a pregnancy, or if you feel vulnerable to pressure from other people, it is a good idea to talk to a professional to clarify your thoughts and feelings before talking to your partner or the other people in your life.  

You can always talk to a professional at Brook, or another sexual health service. You could also contact a specialist organisation.  

Making a decision about a pregnancy.

Most people accept that the final decision about pregnancy should rest with the pregnant person, but need an opportunity to express their feelings about the pregnancy. If they have a chance to say how they feel they might be satisfied that their partner can take their feelings into account when making a decision. 

It might be that both partners feel the same way about the pregnancy in which case they can support each other with whatever happens next. 

Even if two people disagree about whether or not to proceed with a pregnancy, it can be helpful to hear each others’ opinions as this can build empathy and compassion towards each other when making a difficult choice, and can make it easier to reach an understanding(if not an agreement).  

• Listen to your partner. Make sure they have the space to express their thoughts and process their feelings.  
• Help them think through the pros and cons of the pregnancy. Find out more about making a decision about a pregnancy. 
• Let them know what you think and feel, but understand that they may not think and feel the same way. 
• Help them get in touch with an appropriate agency that will help them reach a decision about the pregnancy with a professional.
• Accompany them to a GP or sexual health clinic so they can talk to a professional. Remember that most professionals will want to spend some time talking to them on their own. 
• Help them break the news of the pregnancy to other family members if they are worried about their response. 
• Encourage your partner to make the decision that is right for them. 
• Find out relevant information about your partner’s options. 
• Be realistic about what support you are able to give them. 
• Look after yourself by talking to other people in your support network about how you are feeling.  

How someone feels after their partner has had an abortion is likely to relate to their original feelings about the abortion.  

• If they opposed the abortion because they were keen for their partner to continue the pregnancy, they may feel sad, disappointed or maybe even resentful towards their partner. 
• Some people might feel relieved that a decision has been made and they don’t have to worry about it anymore. This might happen even if they wanted to have a child.  
• Even when both partners have agreed that abortion is the best option for them, they may still sometimes think about what it would have been like for them and their relationship if they had continued the pregnancy.  
• If the decision to end the pregnancy was because of financial concerns, lack of a suitable home to raise a child or other important commitments (like completing their education), a couple might find that choosing to have the abortion has allowed them some breathing space to plan together what they want from life and what they need to do to get there.  

Brook services do not perform abortions but we do provide emergency contraception, pregnancy tests and abortion referrals. This means that Brook can provide you with emergency contraception, pregnancy tests, and if you are pregnant and want to end the pregnancy – we can refer and support you into other services near you that provide abortions.

If you would like more help or advice about abortion you can:

• Visit a Brook service for advice and support
• Visit the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) website, or call them on 03457 30 40 30 from the UK or on +44 1789 508 211 from elsewhere
• Visit the National Unplanned Pregnancy Advsory Service (NUPAS) website, or call them on 0333 004 6666 for help and advice
• Visit the MSI Reproductive Choices UK website. Alternatively, call them on 0345 300 8090 or email them at services@msichoices.org.uk