Anxiety: Kanika’s story

The first time I saw a therapist was when I was 14, shortly after my grandfather’s death. This was the first time that someone close to me had died. My brain could not process it. I began having recurring dreams about my own demise and started to overthink everything. Especially as I started to go through puberty and became concerned about fitting in at school and how others would perceive me. After a referral from my doctor, I started counselling with the NHS Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services.  

I was diagnosed with social anxiety and mild depression. A few months later, I left with a folder full of healthy coping mechanisms, breathing exercises and journaling prompts. I finished my GCSEs and A-Levels with minimal problems. Then, I embarked on a gap-year filled with solo travelling before studying Archaeology at UCL.  

The problems began again during my second year of university. I stopped attending my classes and handing in assignments. I did not attend social gatherings without consuming alcohol beforehand. Even falling asleep became an issue.  

I slowly became paralysed with fear and indecision, consumed by stress and anxiety.

Every action felt like the wrong one. I didn’t feel like I could trust my judgement. 

I watched a show about phrogging (when someone secretly lives in another person’s home without their knowledge) and was convinced this could be happening to me. Even though it would have been impossible for a stranger to be living in my tiny one bedroom flat.  

During that year I missed so many assignments that I almost had to drop out or repeat the year again. Thankfully, my department and a lovely university counsellor worked with me to get back on track.  

A few months later, Covid hit. I began to work with an online therapist to curtail my developing health anxiety. I am a massive advocate for therapy. However, it felt like I was discussing the same issues without making any progress. Yes, I know that I should exercise again. But, how can I go for a run when my brain is telling me how embarrassed and scared I should be? That everyone will be laughing about how unfit I am or at my clothes or at my technique. If I go outside, I might contract an illness. That my flatmates will hate me if I exercise at home because I’m making noise or doing it wrong or taking up space.  

It took over a year for me to consider using medication to manage my anxiety symptoms.

I had just had enough of feeling terrible. I remember crying for hours on end in my bedroom and thinking to myself “this does not seem like a positive reaction”. A few days later, I called my doctor and explained how I was feeling. I said that I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, usually with minimal issues. However, the last two years have been particularly hard. I had been to therapy twice in the last two years and found it informative but not useful. I told them that I had completely stopped drinking, but would still wake up with feelings of dread and anxiety about what I said the previous day.  

The doctor explained that they would issue a prescription of 50 mg of Sertraline (an antidepressant also used by those with anxiety) alongside therapy. They arranged regular check-ins to discuss my progress and adjust my dose, as necessary. Over the weeks, the main side effect I experienced was nausea; therefore, they also offered to prescribe me an anti-nausea tablet. Also, my dose increased to 100 mg, which is now what I take every day.  

I don’t remember exactly when I realised that the medication was working. Usually around my birthday, my anxiety flares up. I begin to worry that I haven’t done enough with my life and need to create a rigorous 5-year plan. However, on my 22nd birthday I felt fine.

I had just graduated, didn’t have a job lined up and didn’t know where I would be living after the summer. But, that was okay. The world wasn’t going to end.  

My main piece of advice for someone experiencing anxiety is to have an ongoing dialogue with your doctor. Take the time to find a doctor that you trust and that has your best interests at heart. Personally, my experience has been positive. They’ve always reassured me that I can schedule an appointment to discuss how I’m feeling about taking medication. Regardless of whether that means that I need to change medication, dosage, need help with side effects or decide to come off it all together.  

Two years later, I can say that taking Sertraline was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I have no idea how long I will be on Sertraline for and if I will need to take it for the rest of my life. At the moment, I’m happy to take things one day at a time.