Low Libido: Annie’s Story

I’ll preface this article by saying I haven’t found the secret to constant hot sex! But if you’re looking for some reassurance that you’re not odd, broken or unlucky, then please join me for my tale of stress, libido and unnecessary comparisons. 

A bit about me: I work as a hospital doctor, which is a busy and quite stressful job. That stress doesn’t end when the shift does – there are also unpaid CV-building activities and exams that are essential for staying in employment. I moved to London two years ago with my partner Tom. It was our first time living together and also my first year working as a doctor. We’d been together for three years at the time of moving, and we’re now happily engaged and approaching five years together (woo!). We’d both been living independently in Birmingham, but the move to London meant we were moving into my dad’s flat, and he stays here 2-3 nights a week, in an unpredictable and unannounced pattern.  

Now picture this: a tiny, run-down flat in London, daily panic at work, and the challenge of constantly sharing every bit of space (including the bed). It was a lot to adjust to. We also had the additional burden of my dad randomly turning up in the week.  

For quite a while, I put pressure on myself to have sex regularly. I’d read an article online that said most couples have sex once a week, and I convinced myself I needed to live up to that. I even started marking little dots on the calendar, treating it like a task to tick off. Blergh. Unsurprisingly, when you treat sex like a requirement and you’re not actually in the mood, your partner can tell. It’s like that scene in Sex and the City when Samantha says, “Let’s just get it over with.” 

Thankfully, Tom is a much better communicator than I am. He told me we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other couples, and that we shouldn’t be having sex unless I actually want to or feel up for it. That conversation lifted a huge weight off my chest and got me trying to work out what helped my libido. 

So now, I’m figuring out when my libido actually shows up.

The most obvious answer? When I’m on holiday. It makes perfect sense. I’m not working long hours or feeling constantly on edge. But going away every time I want to feel more in the mood isn’t exactly affordable. 

One of the best things I’ve done is get back into old hobbies, especially reading. I’ve always loved fantasy romance, or “romantasy”, but I hadn’t read anything purely for pleasure in years. I used to feel like I had to read something educational, like historical fiction, to justify the time. More recently, I’ve discovered the steamier side of the genre, which isn’t for everyone, but has really helped me reconnect with that side of myself! Taking that time for yourself to do an activity that is about nothing more than relaxing, really helps me. Even better if I can do it outside in a bit of greenery (weather permitting). 

I noticed that another big factor on my libido is how I feel physically.

When I’ve not done any exercise, eaten terribly and haven’t washed my hair, the likelihood of me being in the mood is close to zero. So, I started going to more exercise classes and signed up for the London to Brighton bike ride for some motivation (and to raise money for refuge). I made an effort to take in healthy snacks and avoid the biscuit culture at work.  

Now, I feel like I need to make this clear, I did not lose any weight and that is not what I’m advocating. I worked out more to improve my overall fitness which helps release endorphins (your natural mood boosters!).  

I’m happy, we’re happy, and this story is just to say I don’t have consistent sex and if you’re sometimes not in the mood for a month then don’t worry about it (we’ll be twins). Communication is key and always think quality over quantity. Obviously, if you have both then I’m super excited for you! But everyone is different so hopefully a few will relate to my end of the scale.