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What does it mean to be a man?

Stereotypical masculinity can be harmful for everyone, including men and boys. Let’s take a look at five of the most common myths about what “being a man” involves and what impact they can have. 

What is masculinity?

Men, boys and people with penises are often expected to be strong, sporty and tough – these are examples of stereotypical masculinity or ‘manliness’.  

Masculinity and femininity are often seen as opposites – the idea that to be masculine you have to not be feminine. For example, if women are seen as weak, men must be strong; if women are emotional, men must hide emotion.  

This can make it seem like being a woman, girl or having feminine traits is a bad thing – which it isn’t! Everyone should be able to be who they want and show traits of both masculinity and femininity without feeling like they don’t fit in. 

Gender stereotypes

As a boy or man, gender stereotypes can make it difficult if you don’t show these “masculine” traits. For example, you might experience bullying, name calling, find it hard to fit in, or you might be told to “man up”, “grow a pair” or “stop being such a girl”. 

Gender stereotypes are ideas about how we should act based on our gender. They’re ideas created by society but aren’t true.  

Gender stereotypes have been around for as long as humans have existed. Our current ideas about how men and women should look and act come from the past.  

For example, in the past, women’s role was to have children while men had to bring home food to feed the family. Women needed to be caring to look after children which created the idea of femininity while men had to be strong and be leaders which created idea of masculinity. But this no longer applies to our society today where we can choose our own roles and no longer have to be restricted by our gender.   

1. Boys and men shouldn’t cry or be emotional  

“To be masculine is to not cry and suck it up if upset” – Young person

Gender stereotypes tell boys/men that they shouldn’t express emotions other than those associated with traditional masculinity, such as anger or jealousy.  

This stereotype can have a negative impact on boys and men who as a result may:  

  • Feel that they can’t speak out about how they’re feeling  
  • Bottle up their emotions 
  • Lack meaningful connections in their relationships with others 
  • Feel unable to ask for help 

This has real world consequences: 

  • Boys are far less likely than girls to ask for help when they need it. Research shows that boys are less likely to call Childline, even when having suicidal thoughts.  
  • Twice as many boys aged 10-19 compared to girls die from suicide each year.  
  • In 2021, three out of four suicides in England were males.  

EMotions don’t have a gender

Everyone has emotional responses, whether you choose to listen to them or not. Paying attention to your emotions and how things make you feel can be a really useful way to understand yourself better and a key step to getting support when you need it. 

2. Men and boys should aspire to be “alphas”

“To be a man in the world is like always being prepared for battle… you need to battle for the house, money, status and woman you want… if you don’t have grind mentality, you’ll fail.” – Young person

You might have heard people talking about being an “alpha” which they use to mean the leader, the strongest, the best, the most successful, the most charismatic man. They might then also use the word “beta” to describe men that aren’t these things. Other terms they might use are “sigma” and “chads” which are similar to “alphas”.    

But there are a few problems with this: 

There’s no such thing as an “alpha” or “beta” male

We all have different strengths and weaknesses, being the “alpha” or leader in all situations just isn’t possible. You don’t have to be good at everything, or even anything. You can explore who you are, learn new things and grow as an individual without needing to be the best.   

There are endless ways of being a man that are entirely unique to each person. Categorising men as either “alpha” or “beta” ignores the diversity of personalities and strengths boys and men have.  

Chasing “alpha” status will only leave you insecure  

Trying to always be the “alpha” can lead to you compare yourself with every man you come across. This might leave you in a trap of thinking “If only I were like him” or “If only I was better at that”. Thinking like this can mean you never feel that you are enough as you are.  

Competition, and being competitive, isn’t a bad thing; it can help you improve and learn new skills. But there’s a time and a place – don’t let it take over your life. 

It’s hard to aspire to be ‘The Best’ without putting others down  

Boys and men that try to be “alphas” may start to put others down in order to make themselves feel better. For example, they might: 

But being the best you can be doesn’t mean you need to dominate or put others down. Most successful people and good leaders don’t feel threatened by other people and, instead, empower others and help them with their weaknesses. You can also be a leader by standing up for others, or by giving space for others to lead, learn and grow. 

3. Men and boys should be muscly and over 6ft

Social media, films and TV shows often promote the idea that the ‘perfect man’ is tall, handsome and muscly. But this isn’t realistic- it doesn’t reflect the diversity of men’s body types. 

These ideas about what men should look like can have a huge impact on boys’ and men’s mental and physical health.

A man should be tall (and definitely taller than his female partner) 

It might sometimes feel that most men are over 6ft, particularly if you’re spending lots of time online or on dating apps (where people can lie about their height). But this isn’t true! The average height for men is 5ft 9 inches. 

You might come across the idea that a man should be taller than his girlfriend or wife. This also goes back to the gender stereotypes of men being dominant and strong and women being weak and needing protection. In reality, you love who you love, and people come in all shapes and sizes. So although height can be a personal preference, it shouldn’t be a deciding factor in a relationship. 

A man should be lean and muscly 

As many as a third of people with eating disorders are boys and men. Gender stereotypes also mean that body dysmorphia and eating disorders can look different for boys and men: the idea that men should be strong and muscly can pressure boys and men to follow a high-protein, gym-goer lifestyle or to feel less “masculine” if they don’t. For example, people with bigorexia view their body as not muscly enough and often become obsessed about their diet, fitness and the gym and may feel bad if they have a rest day or eat certain food. 

The reality is this body type is only achieved with genetics and prioritising fitness and diet in a way that is unsustainable and unenjoyable for many of us.  

What is body dysmorphia?

Body dysmorphia is an anxiety disorder. It’s when someone becomes concerned, upset and worried about their appearance. They may believe there’s something wrong with the way they look, even if others don’t see it. This can affect their mental health and daily life and they may carry out repetitive behaviours or compulsive activities. More about body dysmorphia 

What is body neutrality?

Body neutrality is a follow-on from the body positivity movement but instead of loving your body as it is, body neutrality is based on the idea of accepting your body as it is with no judgement. It involves being thankful for all the amazing things your body does for you and looking after it as your way of experiencing the world. 

4. Men and boys have to be successful with girls and women 

“To be masculine is to have a missus” – Young person

Being attractive to women, having “rizz” and being able to “get” women is often associated with being masculine in its stereotypical form.  

There are a few problems with this stereotype: 

What if you’re rejected?

If you’re placing your worth on your popularity with women and girls and then they turn you down, it can hurt more than it should.  

It’s not nice to be rejected when you like someone, but rejection is part of life. Not everyone will be interested or like you, just as you wouldn’t be interested in or like everyone.  

If you’ve been rejected a few times, it might affect how you feel about yourself and your worth. When we feel insecure, it can be easier to blame someone else rather than work on challenging our own thoughts about ourselves.  

If you’re lacking confidence and come across the manosphere, you might be influenced to falsely believe that this is women’s fault.  

What is the manosphere?

It refers to the collection of online forums/blogs/social media accounts that promote stereotypical masculinity.

Despite what the manosphere might say, women are not the problem. Blaming women isn’t going to achieve anything but lead to more discrimination and prejudice that harms everyone.  

Instead, if we change what we think of as masculinity and what it looks like, everyone can be more accepting of themselves as they are.  

Are you looking for the right things?

If you’re getting attention and respect from friends for being popular with women or having “rizz” it’s likely that this could become part of how you view yourself.  

This can affect you when you’re rejected and you feel less worthy, but it can also change your opinion of women and girls and see them as something to be “achieved” so that you feel worthy. 

All this can change your opinion of people of other genders and can lead to disrespectful attitude towards them. This not only harms women and girls that you interact with but can also affect your own happiness  – If you take this attitude towards women and girls and chase status among friends you’re more likely to have unfulfilling, and potentially, unhealthy relationships. 

Rather than trying to “get” women, it’s much better to seek fulfilling relationships with all women in your life, whether that’s as friends, or in a romantic or sexual relationship.  

What about if you don’t like women and girls? 

Lots of men and boys don’t fancy women and girls. This means people in the LGBT+ community are excluded from this stereotypical idea of masculinity, but this doesn’t make them any less of a man if that’s how they identify.  

For trans people ideas about masculinity can be challenging. Trans people may feel they have to live up to these stereotypes (even if they don’t fit in with who they are) or they might feel they need to hide their masculine features/traits in order to be presented as female.   

Not fitting in with gender stereotypes can lead to backlash – people in the LGBT+ community often face homophobic, bi-phobic or transphobia abuse because they don’t fit this stereotype.  

More about LGBT+ abuse and violence

5. Men think about sex every 7 seconds

Stereotypical masculinity incorrectly says men always want sex and unlike women, men don’t care about an emotional connection or intimacy.  

This stereotype has real world consequences: 

Sexual violence and sexual harassment

This stereotype can feed into ideas like “boys will be boys” and the idea that men and boys can’t control themselves and will always prioritise sex, even over respect for other people.  

This leads to problems such as the fact that women are 27 times more likely to be harassed online than men. 

1 in 5 women have experienced online abuse in one of the following forms:  

  • Image-based sexual abuse (which is the non-consensual sharing of nude images) 
  • Cyber flashing (which is being sent an indecent image without consent) 
  • Deepfakes (which is where images of a person are manipulated using software, usually in a way that is pornographic)  
  • Misogynistic abuse (abuse directed towards women and girls often involving sexism, aggression, viewing women as inferior to men etc.)
  • Online stalking and harassment 

More about sexual violence

Pressure to do things you don’t want to

Pornography feeds into and draws from ideas about masculinity – it often shows men enjoying certain types of sex or acting a certain way during sex. But everyone’s sexuality is unique. Men and boys are allowed to want intimacy, to not enjoy certain types of sex or to not want sex at all.  

More about pornography 

As a boy/man you might feel pressure to have sex before you’re ready. But the “right time” to have sex is different for every person and is different with every partner. You should never feel pressure to have sex before you’re ready, whether you need more time to get to know the person, don’t want sex at all, prefer other types of intimacy or simply aren’t ready. Your decision is always valid and should be respected.

More about sex and consent
More about having sex for the first time

How can we challenge these ideas about masculinity?

Read our 6 tips about challenging masculinity
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