Low sex drive? Here’s how to reclaim pleasure

Many of us grew up absorbing narrow and often shame-based messages about sex. In fact, pleasure might not have been discussed in your sex education lessons at all. You might not associate pleasure with sex. When sex is associated with pleasure, it’s often used synonymously with orgasm. But pleasurable sex goes beyond orgasm, it might be simply exploring each other’s or your own body and what you enjoy.

But that’s not where the idea of pleasure should end. Pleasure can mean joy, ecstasy, relief, satisfaction, delight.  There are so many things in life that can bring these feelings.

For people in long term relationships, the idea that every touch is initiating sex or ‘leading somewhere’ can have a huge impact on how you interact with each other. This idea creates pressure and anxiety if you don’t feel like having sex but want intimacy.

Increasing your sexual currency can help reduce this pressure. Sexual currency refers to regular intimate, affectionate gestures that aren’t tied to sex but are things you would only do with a partner. Here are some examples:

• Passionate kissing
• Neck kissing
• Shoulder massages
• Holding hands
• Compliments
• Texting like you just met

By making these gestures a part of your everyday life, without any expectation that they lead to sex, you can rebuild a sense of closeness. Relearning that touch can be pleasurable on its own can help reshape your idea of pleasure and intimacy.

These small actions can also help you navigate the bridge between roommate and romantic partner and help keep this side of your relationship alive.

Intimacy is more than being around your partner, it’s about feeling understood and connected to them on a deeper level. Over time, work, stress and routines can make it easy to lose that feeling of closeness.

Sometimes a lack of desire for sex might originate from feeling disconnected from yourself. If you have no free time to do the things you enjoy, then you might find sex taking a back seat too.

Things in life create ripple effects. If we’re looking for the positive in life and creating joy in our lives, we tend to be happier and more relaxed. This helps us enjoy everything more, including sex.

Spend some time thinking about what makes you happy. Maybe it’s a hobby like gardening, spending time with friends or learning something new. Making time for these activities helps build your own identity, give you more headspace and improve your mental health.

Gardening is a wonderfully practical activity, it gets you moving, thinking, and connecting with the world around you. I really enjoy it because the results are visible; you can actually see the progress and beauty unfold. It changes the feeling of my balcony, turning it into a little green haven in the midst of London’s concrete jungle. There’s something heart-warming about bringing a bit of nature to the grey, and it super easy!

Annie, Participation Advisory Group Member

Our bodies are absolutely incredible biological machines. Finding ways to appreciate your body for the way it looks after you and carries you through the world will help improve yourn relationship with your body.

• Movement: You could set a goal (to walk a certain distance, to perfect a yoga move, to learn a dance routine, to lift 1kg heavier) and work with your body to get there. When you achieve the goal, you’re gratitude for your body will increase.  
• Clothes: How we dress can make us feel more confident too. Spend some time finding what clothes show your personality and that you feel best in.  
• Have a photoshoot: You could have a private photoshoot, taking photos that show off your body in a way that feels good. You keep or delete them afterwards.