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Sex, Sexuality, My Body

Masturbation: Demi’s Story (a year on)

Demi, 22, talks about their relationship to masturbation as a gender diverse vulva owner, and how masturbation has changed for them in the last year.

What a difference a year makes! In 2020, I discussed my masturbation journey with Brook, exploring the impact that my first sex toy had on tackling my internalised misogyny and the empowerment I felt after finally reclaiming my orgasm. Now, as a gender diverse individual who has experimented with several different toys, from suction vibrators to dildos, I wanted to revisit my masturbation journey – not only to give an update, but most importantly to discuss masturbation as a gender diverse individual and the importance of inclusive masturbation representation.

Pleasure has no gender – anyone can masturbate and everyone deserves power over their orgasm.

When I wrote my original blog for Brook, I was a cisgender AFAB (read more about gender terminology here) who was very new to the world of sex positivity and sex toys. Now, I am a gender diverse individual and with that I have had to rekindled my relationship with my body, my orgasm and sex toys. For those who experience gender dysphoria, masturbation can be tricky to navigate and also scary. I personally struggled with masturbation for a short period when I began having these questions about my gender identity and I had to relearn about my anatomy. Learning about my anatomy from a biological stand-point, separating it from gender identity, allowed me to create a bond with myself again. I educated myself on the differences between sex and gender and this allowed me to form a new relationship with masturbation.

My vulva doesn’t equal my gender and my orgasm certainly doesn’t determine how I identify!

When I last spoke about my journey with masturbation, I said that it was a form of rebellion and I still stand by that. Now, however, it is a rebellion against the misconception that biology equals gender identity.

As a gender diverse vulva owner, finding sex toys that are not highly feminised or gendered can be tricky. However, it’s also about how you perceive sex toys. Sex toys have no gender – they are for everyone who wishes to use them. There are be specific toys made for penis owners, vulva owners and transgender individuals, however there are also many toys that are universal such as vibrators and dildos. I personally shop at queer and trans-friendly small businesses who focus on gender-inclusive pleasure. Even though many of my toys were gifted to me before I came out as gender diverse I have been able to reconnect with them by acknowledging that they are universally used by various different individuals, all for the same goal – pleasure!

Another thing that I had to teach myself is that there’s no right way to masturbate – it’s unique to you and your genitals. 

Masturbating in any way that feels good to you, regardless of the type of genitals you have is so important, especially for gender diverse and LGBTQ+ individuals. Whether that’s the material you use to help create a mood, the sex toy you use, how you use the sex toy or the position you get into to masturbate – there is no right way to masturbate and whatever helps you to get off, embrace it! 

It took me years to claim my orgasm and it has taken me this past year to truly love masturbating; to see it as what it is, a method of self-love and acceptance.

I also want to end this blog by reminding you all that we change, every day, as individuals. How you masturbate and identify today may be completely different in a year’s time and that’s ok! Acknowledging your journey, all the pit-stops, is a crucial part of growing – enjoy the ride and masturbate along the way!

Visit Demi’s instagram profile

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