Mental health in relationships: Samantha’s story 

When my partner and I first started dating I was scared to get into a relationship with someone who struggled with their mental health. 

The first impression I had of a man with mental health struggles was my dad, and he often used his depression, anxiety and trauma as an excuse for abusive behavior. I know that’s not how every man copes with their mental health, but it’s the experience I’d had and in some ways it had shaped my understanding of male relationships in my life. 

I had a string of ‘situationships’ or ‘friends with benefits’ with emotionally unavailable men which often left me feeling unloved, often mirroring the way my dad had made me feel as a child. I’m estranged from my father now and it’s taken two years and several hundreds of pounds worth of therapy to (at least partly) undo some of the ‘stuff’ I’d got from those experiences with my dad. I know that I wouldn’t be in the position I am now, including my wonderful relationship, if it hadn’t been for my incredibly supportive friends and mum, and if I hadn’t been in the financial position to afford private therapy.  

When I started dating again, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t become a rehabilitation center or a therapist or settle for anything confusing and complicated. I wanted to be in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship and anything less than that would have to go. About a month later I met a very kind, lovely man who wasn’t anything like the complicated, messy relationships I’d had in the past. When we began to date more seriously, he told me about some of his mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression. He’d been through very difficult things and had come out of some very emotionally dark and scary places. He’d had quite a bit of therapy, but wasn’t in therapy anymore, and he was on antidepressants and had been for a while.  

And so, in the spirit of my newfound self-respect and determination to do things differently this time, I said to him “I need to know that you have a good support system outside of me. I need to know that if I’m away chasing my dreams and you’re struggling, then you have a plan to support yourself.” 

No one person can single-handedly support someone with depression and anxiety.

I also never wanted to feel like he’d made me sacrifice parts of myself. I knew I wanted to travel the world, and maybe live in Brighton, both things which would have resulted in a long-distance relationship. This made it even more important to me that he had a good support system which he could rely on and was local. To which he replied, “I would never want you to be the only one supporting me. I’m ok, I’ve got my people”.  

Like me, he’s incredibly lucky to have such a supportive loving family and have access to therapy and medication. I think that a huge reason why we can have such a supportive relationship and communicate so well with each other is because we have a whole wider network of people and services to lean on. I often think about how difficult it must have been for him, and still is sometimes, and I’m very inspired by what a caring, positive person he is, and everything he’s overcome, including the additional barriers of stigma around men’s mental health and stigma around meditation.  

For a while I thought the best way to support him was to try and fix things or make things better.

If he was feeling particularly tired or anxious I would want to come and clean his flat, cook him dinner, give him a shoulder rub and just generally take some of the stresses off his plate and ‘mother him’ a bit. It’s taken me a while to accept that I don’t need to do all those things, as much as it does help and he’s often very grateful.  

I’m starting to practice the art of just accepting him as he is in the present moment. Sometimes he can’t give me his all, sometimes he’s not his best self, and sometimes he doesn’t have any energy. He’s perfectly capable of managing the ups and downs by himself and often he doesn’t need me to come and fix anything, in fact he almost always knows better than me what he needs in that moment to feel ok again. Often, all he needs from me is to say “that’s ok, only give me what you can, you need to prioritize yourself first. I’ll be here holding your hand, just let me know if I can do anything to help.” I think loving someone doesn’t always mean taking away all the things which make their life harder, especially when it comes to mental health. Sometimes loving someone is saying “I know your anxiety is a part of your life, and I know that means things won’t always be easy for you or for us, and I love and accept those parts of you as well.” 

I believe it’s an incredibly powerful thing to make a commitment to yourself to take responsibility for your mental health and emotions, and it’s also been much easier for us to make those choices because of the huge privileges we have.  I know that if it were not for my friends and family and several years of therapy then I would not have the self-esteem or communication skills that I do now, and without that I know me and my partner could have a very different sort of relationship.  

There are so many people, often men especially, who feel they are alone with their mental health. But I want them to know there is always help available – from friends, family, medical professionals or support organizations – and there are always brighter days ahead. 

*Names have been changed.