How to support a friend with their mental health

If you’ve noticed a change in your friend – maybe they’re started staying in more and cancelling plans, they seem unhappy or aren’t doing the things they used to – it’s a good idea to talk to them and ask them how they’re doing. 

It can be hard to bring the topic up, especially if it’s not something you normally talk about with them, but it’s always nice to know that someone cares and has got your back, even if they don’t want to tell you or don’t want your help.  

It might be that they don’t feel comfortable bringing it up themselves but would be grateful for you asking them. 

An easy way to bring it up is by saying “I’ve noticed recently that you’ve not been yourself, what’s up?”. This creates space for your friend to share and shows them you are interested in listening.

You could also start with a simple “How are you?” but remember: we all tend to present the best, happiest version of ourselves to others, so if you think they are just responding on autopilot with “fine” or “good”, you might need to nudge them with a follow up “Really, how are you?”.

It might make your friend feel more comfortable talking openly if you’re also honest about anything you’re going through. For example, you could let them know that you are felling nervous about upcoming exams, or finding work a bit stressful. Sharing how you are feeling might remind them that it’s ok not to be ok, and that friends are there to help each other.

Here are some things to bear in mind if you are going to talk to a friend about mental health.

1. Make sure you have the headspace

You don’t want to start a conversation that you don’t have the attention or focus for. Only start the conversation when you feel you can give your friend the time and attention they deserve. and if that’s not right now then it’s ok – you need to look after yourself, too.

2. Go somewhere quiet

Make sure you’re somewhere quiet where you can talk easily without the worry of being overheard. Sometimes going for a walk can help make it easier to talk about things more freely – walking side by side doesn’t feel quite as intense as sitting face to face. Try to avoid busy places or anywhere where your time could be limited.

3. Validate their feelings

Letting your friend know that their feelings make sense is really important.  

It’s OK to feel this way. I’m here and have your back.

We all respond and think differently to situations – there is no right way. Just because your friend isn’t managing something in the same way you would, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.  How ever anyone feels or thinks is valid.  

It’s also not helpful to say “oh everyone feels like that…” or “don’t worry, we all feel sad sometimes” as this is invalidating and may make them feel like they are making a big deal out of nothing. 

4. Be patient and actively listen

Don’t interrupt them and allow silences – it might take them time to talk things through or work out how to explain it to you. Don’t rush them – let them tell you in their own time.  

Make sure you’re giving them your full attention. Repeating their words back to them in a summary of what they’ve told you, maintaining eye contact, nodding can all show that you’re listening and help them feel understood.  

Everyone’s mental health journey is different – your friend might not be ready to get support yet. Be patient and reassure them that you’re there when they do want to. 

5. Don’t offer solutions unless they ask for them

Sometimes people will come to you because they want your advice, especially if you’ve got experience of what they’re going through.  

Other times people just want someone to listen and to understand how they feel. If you’re not sure you can ask them how they want you to help. 

How can I help you with this?

If someone just wants a listening ear, offering solutions might not be the best way to help them.  

The solutions you suggest may not be the ones that would be right for them. So if your friend would like you to help them in this way, make sure you’ve taken time to understand their situation first and support them to find solutions that suit them.  

6. Avoid toxic postivity

Although you might be trying to lift your friend’s spirits, trying to be upbeat or really chilled about things can make it seem like you don’t realise how much something is affecting them or how they’re feeling. It might feel like you’re doing no harm by putting a positive spin on a situation, but this can make them feel that they’re making a bigger deal out of something than they should.  

Toxic positivity is the pressure to only display positive emotions and hide or ignore any negative ones. Saying things like “brush it off”, “it’ll all work out”, “chin up”, “look on the bright side…” can be unhealthy, invalidating and lead to isolation.  

7. Don’t force them to talk or ask too many questions

They may not want to talk about it at the time you bring it up – acknowledge that it’s okay if they don’t want to but you’re there if/when they do, and you want to and want to support them. 

Remember that some days will be easier and some worse for your friend, so they may need space every so often and you should respect that. 

8. Don’t make it about you

It can be easy to compare our own experiences to other people’s and to talk about our own struggles as a way of empathising. But this can be unhelpful, particularly if your experience isn’t relatable to theirs.  

It’s always nice to know you’re not alone and that other people have experienced similar struggles but it’s probably best to keep this conversation for another time unless they ask you to talk about it. 

Instead, give your friend time to talk about how they feel and listen to their unique situation.   

It can be difficult to support someone struggling with their mental health and you may feel that it’s beginning to affect your mental health and wellbeing. If this is happening, remember to also look after yourself.