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It can be hard to know what to say to a friend who is struggling with their mental health. With some help from our Instagram followers, we’ve pulled together some tips for how to support a friend who is having a hard time.
If you’ve noticed a change in your friend – maybe they’re started staying in more and cancelling plans, they seem unhappy or aren’t doing the things they used to – it’s a good idea to talk to them and ask them how they’re doing.
It can be hard to bring the topic up, especially if it’s not something you normally talk about with them, but it’s always nice to know that someone cares and has got your back, even if they don’t want to tell you or don’t want your help.
It might be that they don’t feel comfortable bringing it up themselves but would be grateful for you asking them.
An easy way to bring it up is by saying “I’ve noticed recently that you’ve not been yourself, what’s up?”. This creates space for your friend to share and shows them you are interested in listening.
You could also start with a simple “How are you?” but remember: we all tend to present the best, happiest version of ourselves to others, so if you think they are just responding on autopilot with “fine” or “good”, you might need to nudge them with a follow up “Really, how are you?”.
It might make your friend feel more comfortable talking openly if you’re also honest about anything you’re going through. For example, you could let them know that you are felling nervous about upcoming exams, or finding work a bit stressful. Sharing how you are feeling might remind them that it’s ok not to be ok, and that friends are there to help each other.
Here are some things to bear in mind if you are going to talk to a friend about mental health.
You don’t want to start a conversation that you don’t have the attention or focus for. Only start the conversation when you feel you can give your friend the time and attention they deserve. and if that’s not right now then it’s ok – you need to look after yourself, too.
Make sure you’re somewhere quiet where you can talk easily without the worry of being overheard. Sometimes going for a walk can help make it easier to talk about things more freely – walking side by side doesn’t feel quite as intense as sitting face to face. Try to avoid busy places or anywhere where your time could be limited.
Letting your friend know that their feelings make sense is really important.
It’s OK to feel this way. I’m here and have your back.
We all respond and think differently to situations – there is no right way. Just because your friend isn’t managing something in the same way you would, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way. How ever anyone feels or thinks is valid.
It’s also not helpful to say “oh everyone feels like that…” or “don’t worry, we all feel sad sometimes” as this is invalidating and may make them feel like they are making a big deal out of nothing.
It’s NOT helpful when friends talk as if things are easy and can’t understand why they could be difficult for others.
Don’t interrupt them and allow silences – it might take them time to talk things through or work out how to explain it to you. Don’t rush them – let them tell you in their own time.
Make sure you’re giving them your full attention. Repeating their words back to them in a summary of what they’ve told you, maintaining eye contact, nodding can all show that you’re listening and help them feel understood.
Everyone’s mental health journey is different – your friend might not be ready to get support yet. Be patient and reassure them that you’re there when they do want to.
They found it helpful when…
Sometimes people will come to you because they want your advice, especially if you’ve got experience of what they’re going through.
Other times people just want someone to listen and to understand how they feel. If you’re not sure you can ask them how they want you to help.
How can I help you with this?
If someone just wants a listening ear, offering solutions might not be the best way to help them.
The solutions you suggest may not be the ones that would be right for them. So if your friend would like you to help them in this way, make sure you’ve taken time to understand their situation first and support them to find solutions that suit them.
They found it helpful when friends shared their experiences and were more open about them.
They found it unhelpful when friends told them that they should do things a certain way as if they know what’s best.
Although you might be trying to lift your friend’s spirits, trying to be upbeat or really chilled about things can make it seem like you don’t realise how much something is affecting them or how they’re feeling. It might feel like you’re doing no harm by putting a positive spin on a situation, but this can make them feel that they’re making a bigger deal out of something than they should.
Toxic positivity is the pressure to only display positive emotions and hide or ignore any negative ones. Saying things like “brush it off”, “it’ll all work out”, “chin up”, “look on the bright side…” can be unhealthy, invalidating and lead to isolation.
They found unhelpful when friends said…
They may not want to talk about it at the time you bring it up – acknowledge that it’s okay if they don’t want to but you’re there if/when they do, and you want to and want to support them.
Remember that some days will be easier and some worse for your friend, so they may need space every so often and you should respect that.
It can be easy to compare our own experiences to other people’s and to talk about our own struggles as a way of empathising. But this can be unhelpful, particularly if your experience isn’t relatable to theirs.
It’s always nice to know you’re not alone and that other people have experienced similar struggles but it’s probably best to keep this conversation for another time unless they ask you to talk about it.
Instead, give your friend time to talk about how they feel and listen to their unique situation.
They found it unhelpful when friends…
It can be difficult to support someone struggling with their mental health and you may feel that it’s beginning to affect your mental health and wellbeing. If this is happening, remember to also look after yourself.
If your friend is struggling with a topic that is triggering for you, make sure you tell them that you really care about them and would like to support them, but this isn’t something you will be able to support them with.
If you haven’t got the headspace to help your friend when they come to you for help, make sure you tell them that you care for them and want to help but suggest a different time. You can’t look after others if you’re not looking after yourself!
People aren’t mind readers so, if you’re struggling with something, talk about this with your friend and they might be able to help you.
It’s okay for one person in the friendship to need more support but a friendship shouldn’t always be one-sided. It’s important that you feel valued, appreciated and supported as well.
It’s really important that your friend isn’t relying on you for support – they should be getting support from different areas of their life: family, friends, support groups, work/school. If your friend is relying on you, encourage them to talk to someone or signpost them to a support organisation that can help.
If you’re worried about your friend’s safety, make sure you talk to someone. Ask your friend if you can talk to someone about what they’ve told you and who they’d like you to talk to. They may not want you to at this moment but you are looking out for your friend by getting external help to make sure they’re safe.
It can be draining supporting a friend going through a tough time. Make sure you also have sources of support that you can go to and are open with your friend about how you’re feeling.
Friendships can become challenging if your friend is struggling with their mental health and you might feel emotionally drained and less excited to see them. Remind yourselves why your friends in the first place and do something that you both like. This can help remind your friend that they are more than their mental health.
If you’re struggling to provide the emotional support your friend needs, try helping them in other ways. Maybe you go out for coffee each week, you join a yoga class together, you help them with tasks around the house or with homework which your friend might be struggling to keep on top of.
Page last reviewed: May 2024
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