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Tinder, Snapchat and Sextortion: Ethan’s story

Ethan, 23, shares his experience of sextortion after meeting someone on Tinder who seemed like a perfect match.

Content warning: This real story mentions sextortion and subjects that you might find upsetting.

Many people around the world have moved to online dating, helping to remove barriers and giving people across the world more opportunities to meet and fall in love with new people. But hidden in the shadows of these apps, and many others, are scammers. This can be harder to detect, as was the case in my experience. 

It all started on another innocent day – I was minding my own business, swiping across Tinder as you do, when I matched with a gorgeous looking young woman. We instantly hit it off – speaking and getting to know one another – which is something I always find hard, especially on apps like this. 

It felt like it was going well and she suggested we move to Snapchat, an app I find easier and felt was safer. I mean you can take photos of yourself, what better way to find out if someone is real? Or so I thought. 

We quickly got to Snapchatting, and after seeing what I thought was her face multiple times I felt at ease talking to her.

I felt lucky, a guy like me talking to a woman like that. But I was about to find out I couldn’t be more wrong.

The conversation turned sexual and I mean I wasn’t gonna stop it, I was open to anything at that point. When you get put in a position where you aren’t the first to start sending pictures, you feel pressured to do the same even if it goes against everything you have been taught, something I was well rehearsed in and knew I shouldn’t do. I’ve been in the sexual health sector for years. It was normally me giving out that advice: never send nudes. 

But what did I do in the moment? I sent them. I felt safe, I mean, I thought I was speaking to a real person and that’s where the story takes a dramatic shift because not even 5 minutes later “she’s” calling and I answered, only to hear a man shouting down the phone at me.  

I froze for a minute with my heart leaving my chest. I was thinking what have I done? I knew better. Then I came back to reality and focused on what was this guy saying and after a few seconds I realised that I was being catfished and sextorted. This guy was wanting hundreds of pounds of money that I didn’t have or else these photos will be sent to people I know.  

My life flashed before my eyes. In the moment, I felt like my life was over if these got out.

I was planning on becoming a councillor – a public figure – at the time. If the pictures were to get out that dream would be over. And not only that, I live in a small town that I stand out in. I could just imagine how that was gonna play out with the public. But more important to me was the worry that years of work, relationships and fun with the youth charity that I volunteer for would be over. I mean how could I work for a charity if these got out? And what charity or organisation would want me? 

I put the phone down, it’s all I could do. But this guy was intimidating and within the minutes that followed my phone was constantly ringing. I ignored it, which was not an easy move for me. I mean, what if this guy was gonna go through with his threat, what then?  

To say the next few hours was hard is an understatement. My head went to some very dark places. I mean why wouldn’t it… you know the saying “when you put something out on the internet it never goes away” and, for someone like me, my life and dreams would be over. And I was even getting ready to act on that because how could I even show my face to my friends and family, or at the charity I have worked with for so long?

At the time I was so embarrassed I didn’t feel like I could ask for help, I couldn’t let them know this had happened.

I felt like I should’ve known better – I was taught and brought up better than this. 

So I hid it and buried it. It’s a bad skill that I’ve learnt over the years, and it ate away at me for the hours and days and weeks that came. But I got LUCKY and the photos were never spread. Money was never handed over and my life wasn’t over. It could’ve turned out so differently. I hope my story shows that anyone can get wrapped up in something like this, no matter who they are. And how someone might go against what they’ve been taught in the pursuit of happiness and companionship. 

When it comes to online dating the main piece of advice I would give is to only match and talk to verified profiles – something I wish would just become the only acceptable standard on dating apps as it would put a lot of people’s minds at ease. Never take a main snap as proof that the person you think are speaking to is the same as the person in the photo. I would suggest FaceTime as I think this would be much harder to fake but you still can’t be 100% unless you’ve met in person. 

As for sending nudes, as much as we’re told not to, I do think sometimes it’s just going to happen so it’s important to give some advice. My main piece of advice that I’d give to others and myself is to wait until you have met the person in real life and know who you’re sending these to. You also need to realise that when you send these pictures there is a real chance that this person may have them forever and they may share them. If you are not ready or don’t want that I just wouldn’t send them at all.

It’s in times like these when you need to trust what you have been taught and not give in like I did because I felt pressured.   

Lastly, I want to say that if something like this does happen to you there are people and organisations that you can talk to. Don’t feel like you have to suffer in silence – you won’t get in trouble and there are things people can do to help you. 

Get help with sextortion

If you or someone you know is experiencing or at risk of sextortion, The Internet Watch Foundation have lots of useful information and advice. Their website is a great starting point for working out what to do and who to talk to.

Remember: it is never your fault, and you are not alone.

Learn more about how to get help with sextortion

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