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Orgasms are the release of built up physical and/or psychological sexual tension and arousal. An orgasm is a powerful feeling of physical pleasure and sensation, and can bring feelings of happiness or wellbeing. But great sex doesn’t need to include orgasms.
Orgasms are fun, but if that is your only aim it can take the fun out of sex. Sex should be enjoyable throughout. Putting pressure on yourself or your partner to have an orgasm can actually make it harder to do, and can encourage performance anxiety rather than enjoyment. Also, you or your partner having an orgasm doesn’t mean sex has to finish there if you don’t want it to!
Our advice is to let go of any ‘scripts’ about how sex should be and go with the flow! Taking the pressure off certain activities and being flexible with your expectations can help you relax and enjoy being intimate with someone. Great sex doesn’t have to include orgasms. More about how to have great sex safely
Orgasms are the release of built up physical and/or psychological sexual tension and arousal. Orgasming can also be known as ‘coming’ or ‘climaxing’.
Orgasms are a very personal experience and people have different ways of describing how it feels to orgasm. Generally, however, an orgasm is a powerful feeling of physical pleasure and sensation, and can bring feelings of happiness or wellbeing.
Aside from bringing pleasure, for people with a penis an orgasm serves a biological purpose of expelling semen from the testicles, which can then cause conception if sperm comes into contact with an egg, such as through vaginal sex. For people with a vagina, the orgasm is only for pleasure and is not necessary for conception.
An orgasm is created by the tensing and releasing of certain muscles, and along with the release of feel-good hormones such as endorphins, this is what creates feelings of physical and emotional pleasure.
The build up to an orgasm
More about penises and testicles
More about vaginas and vulvas.
Some people find that they only want sex only after they have become physically and emotionally excited. This excitement is known as arousal. If someone has a vagina they may start to get wet, and if someone has a penis they may start to get hard. Other people become aroused through thoughts alone, everyone’s different.
People experience a wide range of physical signs of arousal including increased heart rate and tingling sensation in the genitals. Becoming aroused is the body’s way of preparing for sex, but is very pleasurable in itself and doesn’t need to lead to orgasm.
If you continue to be aroused and stimulated through touch, you may get to feeling ‘on the edge’ of an orgasm and most people agree it feels good. You might then experience an orgasm. After orgasm your muscles relax and many people say they experience a sense of wellbeing and peace.
The build-up to an orgasm looks different for everyone, everyone likes different things so talking to your partner about what feels good and what you like is key. Most people with vaginas can’t orgasm through vaginal penetrative sex alone. Most need some kind of stimulation of the clitoris, which contains lots of nerve endings, similar to the head of the penis. Stimulating the clitoris can be a helpful and sometimes necessary way of achieving orgasm during penetrative sex. It is helpful to keep in mind that the clitoris is the main source of pleasure for people with vaginas.
Getting to an orgasm can take practice and most people reach their first orgasm through masturbation. It is easier to reach orgasm if you feel relaxed, if you and your partner let each other know what sexual activities you like and dislike, and if you are turned on by each other. More about masturbation
Orgasms can vary according to mood, where you are in your menstrual cycle, sexual position, communication with partner, situation, and lots many other things too.
This also means that the time it takes to orgasm varies from person to person and might be different each time. However, on average, it takes people with a penis much less time than people with a vagina orgasm.
Orgasms in porn
Porn is generally not representative of real sexual experiences or how most people’s bodies function.
It often gives the impression that people with penises can last a long time before orgasming, and that people with vaginas can have orgasms very quickly and easily. In reality, like all film productions, there are breaks, re-takes and clever editing tricks that take place behind the scenes. It’s important to remember that porn actors are working when they are filming. People tend to reach orgasm faster when they are turned on. The set of a porn shoot is a place of work with lights, a production crew and pressure to perform, which might make it difficult for the actors to feel aroused. It is not a natural, intimate moment between people who are physically or emotionally attracted to each other. Often the actors pretend to have orgasms and use staging tricks to create the visual impression of an orgasm. The way people feel and look when having an orgasm is often very different from how actors in porn appear to have orgasms.
More about porn
When talking about ejaculation in relation to sex, people are generally referring to when semen (usually containing sperm) is discharged from the penis as the result of an orgasm.
Premature ejaculation is when this happens earlier in sex than is wanted, either by the person or their partner(s). Most people with penises will experience premature ejaculation at some point in their life, and this is nothing to be ashamed of or worried about.
However, if you find it is happening a lot and you or your partner are unhappy about it, you may want to go to your GP or a sexual health clinic for help and support.
More about premature ejaculation
People with vulvas can also ejaculate, though it’s not something that everyone with a vulva will necessarily experience and isn’t always linked to an orgasm. This is commonly referred to as “female ejaculation” or “squirting”.
There are lots of factors that can affect your ability to orgasm or to enjoy or want sex in the first place.
There are various reasons people choose to use drugs or alcohol, and one of them is to become more confident and make it feel easier to engage in sexual activity. For example, some people may drink to relax them and give them the confidence to flirt or hook up with someone they fancy.
Using drugs or alcohol may make engaging in sexual activity feel easier, however, it is important to know that it comes with downsides and risks.
There is a common myth that drugs and alcohol can mentally and physically help you have better sex that lasts longer than when you are sober.
In reality, alcohol and drugs can make you want sex less. You might feel mentally turned-on but your body might not respond:
It can also be more difficult to have an orgasm while high or drunk partly because your sensations will be reduced. While an orgasm doesn’t need to be the point of sex, and there is lots about sex that makes it enjoyable beyond physical sensation, it can be frustrating and much less fun than sex when you are sober.
Alcohol, drugs and consent
The sexual offenses act is very clear about the impact of alcohol and drugs on someone’s ability to consent: “If they are drunk or high, then they may not have the capacity to consent to sex and this includes any kind of sexual activity, like kissing or fondling”. Someone should be fully coordinated and responsive before you engage in any kind of sexual activity with them. If you are unsure if they are drunk or high, be cautious and wait until they have sobered up to check for consent. More about giving and getting consent If someone forces you to do something you do not want to do of a sexual nature, it is never your fault and it is not okay. You should speak to someone you trust so that you can get help and support.
Risky behaviour
Alcohol and drugs can affect people’s ability make decisions – including decisions about contraception and safe sex. A person’s judgement can be affected and they may do or say things that put them at risk. This includes risky sexual behaviour, such as not using contraception or going home with someone without telling anyone.
Carrying condoms is a great idea to make sure you are prepared for a sexual encounter and can make safer choices about sex.
Remember: condoms are the only type of contraception that also protects against STIs, so even if pregnancy isn’t a concern, they are still important!
More about condoms
If you’re struggling with mental health or even if you just have too much on your mind, you might not feel like having sex. When someone is dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety or depression, they might find it hard to enjoy sex or to reach orgasm. Anti-depressants (medication some people take to help with depression), can also lower your sex drive and make it harder to orgasm.
Hormonal changes can have an impact on someone’s ability to reach orgasm. This can particularly be the case for people with vaginas, whose hormones change regularly with their menstrual cycle. You might find that you want sex more at certain times in your cycle compared to others. More about the menstrual cycle
Change in hormones can cause:
More broadly, hormones are constantly affecting people’s sex drives and experience of sex, and this isn’t always a bad thing. It is totally natural for your sex drive and body to fluctuate and change, and not something you need to worry about. However, if you are finding that any aspect of your mood (including your sex drive) is regularly changing in ways that you find difficult to manage, then you may want to seek help. If you are concerned, you can speak to your GP, a counsellor or a trusted adult.
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