How to build intimacy in a relationship

Often we can mistake simply being around each other as intimacy but actually quality time matters more than the quantity of time. Set aside a time to be fully present without distractions – make it cosy and do something that deepens your connection.

You can also be open about your intention to connect differently. To avoid any feelings of blame, it’s best to frame it around what you would like rather than making your partner feel like they’ve done something wrong. You could say:

• “I love you and want to feel close, so I want to make sure we’re spending more quality time together”
• “I’d love to have some time this week to share more of what’s on my mind about work/friends etc. when will work for you?”

Whether you’re having sex with someone or not, openness and vulnerability creates trust and a deeper bond.

The more you and your partner can share your feelings and really listen – repeating back what you heard before adding your perspective – the closer you’ll feel. You can also ask your partner what they would like in response to sharing: Perhaps they want your opinion or advice? Or do they just want to be listened to and have a hug?

Even in long-term relationships, there’s always more to learn about each other. Asking a couple of thoughtful questions can allow you to open up. Try asking:

• “What excites you about our sex life/physical intimacy?”
• “What am I doing right in our relationship that I should keep doing/do more of?” 

You could also ask about love and desire:

• “What makes you feel loved?”
• “What turns you on/gets you in the mood?”
• “Is there anything we could do to set the mood even more- like sexy texts in the day, making sure the house is clean or chores are done?”

These conversations are all with the goal of being a better team and knowing how you can make the other feel good.

Shared activities can spark new conversations. You might:

• Take a quiz together like the 5 love languages and the erotic blueprints and talk about your results. (Note- you don’t need to have the same answer to be compatible!)
• Read a book together or watch a film or video.
• Try a new activity together that you’re both interested in- whether that’s axe throwing, tennis or an art class.

You could spend more time building sexual intimacy together. Try setting aside a time to be naked together and appreciate each other’s bodies with no expectation that it will lead to sex: life drawing of one another, painting each other’s bodies, massage can be great ways to do this. 

By taking the pressure off physical intimacy always leading to sex, you can create space to connect in ways that are fulfilling on their own. Intimacy becomes the goal, not just a step towards sex.

Just as spending quality time is important to build intimacy, so is having some space to yourself. Sex is better when there’s a healthy bit of separation so make sure you’ve got your own identity, hobbies and friends that allow you to be yourself away from your partner.

If you’re always together or have melted into one another, where is the mystery? Where is the build-up of sexual tension? How can you create a little flirting and romance between you and your partner and entice the other? Can you make your sexual interactions more fluid, and play with the sexual tension even more?