Arguments: How to manage arguments with a partner

Try to get away from the idea of being right or wrong, or of winning or losing an argument. Instead of thinking that one view is categorically right or wrong, accept that there can be many valid points of view. 

Take responsibility for your own emotions and be honest with yourself about why you are so upset. Has something from the past been stirred up by this row? Do you fear loss of control in other aspects of your life? Saying, “you make me so angry…” places the blame for your feelings squarely on to your partner. Yes, their behaviour may have triggered it but the depth of your feelings may have little to do with the current problem.

Tip: Try starting sentences with “It makes me feel [insert emotion] when…”

If you can feel yourself getting angry or upset, maybe you feel breathless, out of control or have a sick feeling in your stomach, it’s best to take some time to calm down. In those emotional states it is difficult to come to a conclusion and it’s very easy to say something you might regret. Take deep breaths, go for a walk and agree to come back together to talk it through when you’re both calmer.

Arguments don’t ever have to be hurtful. You can explain how you feel and respond to how they feel without ever having to say hurtful things. If the other person says something that hurts you unintentionally, explain how and why it made you feel that way rather than trying to hurt them back.

Be aware that people’s experiences of arguing can be really different – arguing doesn’t affect some people as much as others particularly if you’re someone that isn’t comfortable with confrontation and raised voices can be frightening for some people.

Give your partner space to talk about their feelings without interrupting them. Try put yourself in their position to understand where their coming from. If you’re prepared to listen and consider what the other person is saying, you’re more likely to resolve the argument or come to a compromise.

A lot of conflict is caused by one or both partners being unwilling to forgive minor things or holding onto things that have annoyed them. Being a bit more forgiving can make things so much easier. This doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you – it just means letting go of things that you’ve talked through together that there’s no longer any purpose thinking about.

Tip: If you can’t let it go, maybe they cheated and you both agreed to give the relationship another chance but you can’t forgive them for it, it’s likely that the same argument will keep happening which has a negative effect on your relationship and wellbeing. If you can’t let it go, it might be that you need to let them go.

Understand where you’re feelings are coming from. Often arguments may seem to be about one thing but there are hidden feelings and past experiences at play. If you’re not sure why something has upset you, make sure you explore where your feelings are coming from and explain this to your partner.

Many relationships have hidden issues and they’re different for all of us. So if you have the same arguments over and over again, why don’t you dig to see what hidden issues might be causing yours? It may not be easy but it means you’ll be more aware of your own emotions and triggers. This is called ‘emotional intelligence’ and having more of it can help you have better, stronger and more satisfying relationships.

Open and honest communication in relationships is so important and can help you head off an argument before they even begin. Don’t keep things hidden and expect your partner to know what’s wrong. Neither of you are mind readers!