Masturbation and Children: What’s Normal, and How to Talk About It

When it comes to talking about sex and growing up, masturbation is often the topic that makes parents pause. You might wonder, “Is it normal for my child to touch themselves?” or “Should I bring it up, or just ignore it?”. In this blog, Debbie Bere, a member of our parents’ Participatory Advisory Group explores how to navigate this part of growing up. 

The truth is that it is completely normal for children to explore their bodies, and it is healthy for parents and carers to talk about it. Open, calm conversations can help children understand privacy, body boundaries and pleasure in a safe, shame-free way.

So, let’s take a deep breath and unpack this together.

More than just the birds and the bees

Talking to children and young people about sex should not start and end with puberty or reproduction. These are ongoing conversations, not a single talk.

By introducing age-appropriate ideas early and revisiting them as your child grows, you normalise healthy curiosity and build trust. If you wait until something happens, it can feel too late or reactive.

Use language that feels natural for your child’s age, and update it as they mature. Honest, open communication is one of the best ways to keep children informed and protected.

Why do children touch themselves?

We would not tell children off for scratching an itch or stroking a pet because it feels nice, and touching their genitals is similar. It is a normal, comforting and often soothing behaviour, especially in younger children. It is usually not sexual in the way adults understand sexuality.

Children do not sexualise their genitals in the same way adults do. To them, these are just body parts, so naming them correctly is important. Saying penis, scrotum, vulva or labia helps remove shame and gives children the right language to express themselves and stay safe.

The NSPCC’s PANTS campaign is a great tool for starting these conversations from around age four. It teaches that what is under your pants is private, belongs only to you, and that it is okay to speak to a trusted adult. The song and activities are fun and help reduce stigma or embarrassment.

Setting boundaries without shame

Sometimes, self-touch in children and young people looks different, such as rocking, rubbing or humping objects. As adults, we might feel awkward or unsure how to respond, especially if it happens in public.

Rather than showing discomfort or disapproval, focus on teaching boundaries. Children already understand that certain behaviours are for certain settings, for example, playing outside versus sitting in class. You can use this understanding to guide them: explain that touching their genitals is something private, done in their own room while on their own, not in shared spaces like the lounge or classroom.

Masturbation is natural. It feels pleasurable and helps children develop a positive sense of their own bodies. Framing it without shame helps children grow up confident and comfortable in their sexuality and boundaries.

If you feel awkward, you’re not alone 

Many of us did not grow up having these kinds of conversations. It is understandable to feel embarrassed or unsure about how to talk about masturbation. But being open does not encourage sexual behaviour. It encourages understanding, safety and self-awareness.

Talking honestly helps children learn that their bodies are their own, that pleasure is not shameful, and that consent and privacy matter. It lays the groundwork for healthy, respectful relationships later in life.

If you stumble or feel awkward, that is okay. What matters most is being available and honest.

Navigating the online world

As children grow, privacy and safety become even more important. Conversations about masturbation can naturally lead to discussions about the online world.

Key messages to share:

• Never take or share pictures of your genitals or anyone else’s.
  
• Understand that anything shared online can be copied or shared without consent.
  
• It is illegal in the UK to share sexual images of anyone under 18, even of yourself. These laws exist to protect young people, not to punish them.
  

As children mature, talk about fantasy versus reality. Help them understand that what they might see in mainstream pornography does not reflect real relationships, communication or consent. Encourage them to think critically about what they see online and to come to you if they are unsure or worried.

It’s also worth remembering that not everyone masturbates at all. Young people should never feel pressured into it just because their peers are doing it. If your child expresses concern over not doing it, assure them that whatever they want to do (or don’t want to do) is fine. There is no ‘normal’.  

Touching, curiosity and exploration are all part of growing up. When parents respond calmly and confidently, children learn that their bodies are nothing to be ashamed of.

By replacing silence with honest, age-appropriate talks, you help your child build self-awareness, self-respect and safety, and that is something worth feeling proud of.

If you are unsure where to start, you can explore Brook’s resources for parents and carers here.