My queer s*x education was p*rn – young people deserve better 

Content creator and writer Max Hovey shares why a lack of inclusive education left him feeling isolated and ashamed. In this blog, he explains why it’s vital that Relationships and Sex Education in schools is relevant to all students. 

RSE in schools was pretty dire when I was there, even if you were straight and cisgender. Now imagine being queer. Christ alive, we were kind of just thrown in the deep end and excepted to swim. Well, not expected to, the whole point was they didn’t want us to. So what could we do?

I got everything I know about sex from porn.

To clarify, I am a cisgender gay man. Gay porn (like all porn) is incredibly unrealistic and did not set me up for a happy sex life, not a realistic expectation on queer relationships.  

Currently, including LGBTQ+ content in Relationships Education in primary schools is already optional, but things may get much worse. There was a petition last year demanding the removal of all LGBTQ+ content from the Relationships curriculum in UK schools which was signed by almost 250,000 people. Scary right? This topic is set to be debated in Parliament on the 18 March 2024. The Government has already said it won’t be changing its stance, but the debate itself is likely to be the perfect platform for queer exclusionary MPs to create division and potentially stoke the already aggressive fire that is the “trans debate” (it’s not a debate, it’s just transphobia). So, I wanna chat with you about why LGBTQ+ RSE is SO important. 

LGBTQ+ people have a very complicated relationship with sex and relationships as it is. We did not get the standard teenage hand holding, playground crush, first kiss that cishet people got. We had to live in shame and secrecy and thinking back to it, it’s truly heartbreaking. A lot of people don’t understand the true importance of representation. Not only would having conversations around LGBTQ+ relationships and intimacy normalised in schools reduce the stigma for cishet people, but it would also help young queer people feel seen and valid.  

I didn’t think it was okay to be gay.

I vividly remember when I first accepted that I was sexually attracted to men – I decided I wanted to have sex with men but the thought of romance with a man made me feel sick. This wasn’t because I genuinely didn’t want it, but because I was told it was wrong. Now when I think about holding hands with my future husband at the alter of our wedding it brings me nothing but joy, but that’s because I had to spend years unlearning all of the things society had taught me about queer people.  

The main thing that helped me was watching queer YouTuber couples. This showed me that queer love is beautiful, normal and most importantly – possible. But I shouldn’t have needed to learn this from YouTubers at the age of 17. I should’ve seen two dads holding hands at the age of 5 just like seeing a mum and dad. Even this would have taught me from a young age that’s okay, and would have prevented years of psychological damage, trauma and hard work. But that’s just the kind of representation that could be banned if LGBTQ+ content is excluded from Relationships Education. 

LGBTQ+ people aren’t created, indoctrinated or influenced, we are born.

People like to throw the statistic at us that because more people are identifying as LGBTQ+, we must be influencing young people! Like no babe, we’re letting young people know it’s okay. LGBTQ+ people have and always will exist. By preventing LGBTQ+ content within schools, you’re not going to stop people being queer. All you’re doing is making the upbringing of millions of future queer people incredibly traumatic.  

I think the most frustrating thing is that people who are against LGBTQ+ RSE, don’t speak to LGBTQ+ people. They still believe we’re “influencing” young people, forgetting that we too were young once, and we can say with full confidence that this wasn’t a bloody choice. I adore being gay, I love my life and my community and (unfortunately) love men. But do they really think I chose a life of experiencing bigotry, hatred, self-loathing, hate crimes and death threats, just for dick? No ma’am. NO man is worth that.  

I was born this way. And whether you like it or not, there’s a very real possibility your child could be born this way too. Would you rather your child grow up feeling free, content and full of love? Or to grow up full of shame and self-loathing? The answer should be pretty obvious and if it isn’t, it’s quite frankly bad parenting sweetie! 

I have so much hope for future generations. As it is, I feel lucky to be able to hold my boyfriend’s hand walking down the street compared to previous generations and even to people today in other countries. But we still have a long way to go. Here I am at 25, and I am so content with who I am. But I still feel a lot of fear in certain places when it comes to what I wear or showing my boyfriend affection. Not because I’m ashamed, but I am scared for my safety. The only reason I fear for my safety is because the people around me grew up with no normalised conversations of the existence of queer people. The irony is, the only thing we are taught is homophobia.

People are born queer, but people aren’t born homophobic.

And including LGBTQ+ RSE in schools just helps people have a better understanding of those who are different to us.  

Brook believes that all young people have the right to high quality Relationships and Sex Education (RSE), and this should be everyone’s stance. No one should be excluded from learning about healthy relationships and intimacy regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. Your belief system shouldn’t impede our rights. Brook has pledged to fight for “high-quality, inclusive Relationships Sex and Health Education (RSHE) that empowers children and young people to thrive”, and you can support this by signing the pledge.