Our Bodies Can Bring Pleasure, No Matter How They Look

“I need to hold my stomach in or they’ll see my rolls, but I also need to flex my arms so they see my biceps, I also need to make sure my face looks sexy! I don’t want to sweat too much as it’ll mess up my hair and my makeup will run! Wait, why did it just make that sound? I bet I look horrific from this angle”.

Does any of that sound familiar? This was definitely an internal monologue I used to have when having sex. I focussed so much on how I looked, acted and sounded that I forgot to be in the moment and actually enjoy the sex. Being intimate with someone brings a lot of anxiety naturally, it’s the most vulnerable thing you can do with someone. But, add body dysmorphia and sex anxiety on top of that? Ooof, you’re in for a mental rollercoaster. But what I’ve learned is that our bodies deserve pleasure, no matter how they look.

Would that person be intimate with you if they didn’t find you attractive? No. It’s also not our responsibility to be attractive to other people, it’s not our job nor is it our problem. Sex has been glamourised for so long by porn, music and films that we feel the need to be our sexiest selves in probably one of the messiest, sweatiest and sometimes smelliest of situations. The pressure we feel to be squeaky clean, looking a certain way and acting a certain way – is ridiculous. Mess happens, your body bends in certain ways and things will roll. CHRIST we’re not all gymnasts. The true beauty of sex is the messy, clumsy intimacy of it. That’s what makes it so vulnerable. We can’t honestly expect to be lying down with our legs bent behind our heads, doing intense cardio whilst using our genitals and still expect to look our absolute best.

We deserve pleasure as we are. I’m not saying we need to love ourselves unconditionally, that’s unrealistic. In my work, I focus on body neutrality rather than body positivity.

Body Positivity is the unwavering love and devotion to our own bodies. It’s the belief we are inherently beautiful no matter what stage of our life we’re in.

Body Neutrality is just that, neutral. We don’t love nor do we hate our bodies. We just accept them as they are.

Body positivity can be incredibly toxic and unrealistic. We all have down days and we all have insecurities. So when I’m on top with my belly wobbling about below me, I don’t think “wow I look so beautiful right now”, I don’t think about it at all. I’ve accepted the natural movements and motions of my body and focus on the pleasure it can bring me instead.

The stress and anxiety focussing on our bodies can bring during sex is ridiculous. If you’re an ADHD girlie then your mind is likely to wander anyway, so naturally if you’re focussing too much on watching the way your tummy is moving or if you haven’t shaved, you’re not going to be focussing on the (hopefully) great sex you’re actually having.

Not only will it take you out of the moment, but your partner(s) will notice it too. They will see if you’re truly enjoying yourself or if you’re getting into your head about it, and the whole experience will be less enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. We’ve been shown in films that sex is some beautiful almost spiritual experience, porn cuts out all of the messy bits and almost everything you see is unrealistic, and sex education told us, well, sweet f*** all!

Body image , sex and mental health often go hand in hand. So, this World Mental Health day, I wanted to share some ways we can reduce our anxiety around sex.

Make time for masturbation – For me personally, spending time embracing pleasure and my body alone, has really helped me when it comes to embracing it with other people. Now that I know what I like and what feels good to me, that is my focus. When you’re masturbating alone, you’re not even thinking about the way you look – you’re simply making yourself feel good. This should be the focus even when someone else is there (well and helping them feel good too). So carve out some time just for you, and get a little better acquainted with your body.

Wear things that give you confidence – Sometimes I feel sexy when I wear nothing, but I really love wearing lingerie. It gives me a real confidence boost. When I buy lingerie, I focus on the product itself not the person modelling it, because 9 times out of 10, their body is unrealistic. Then when I try it on, I focus on the material, the colour, the things on my body it accents. There’s a few pieces I love. As a gay man, I love a jockstrap, it just lifts my butt and makes me feel peachy! I love feminine lingerie like garters and stockings as I just feel more submissive. I feel sexier when it’s a more red lace vibe, and so wearing this in bed gives me a real confidence boost! I also really enjoy wearing (faux) leather as the style and feel of it has a primal aesthetic about it, and helps me feel more confident being dominant. This all may be very different to you of course, but these various things help bring out different sides of me, and it’s through experimenting with it that I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t.

Focus your mind on the sensations – Why do we have sex? Because we like it. Because it feels good. Because we enjoy it. Not because we’re entering a body building competition. We’re not expected to be stood at the end of the bed in that insane orange fake tan, flexing, having our bodies examined. So why do we act like it? Focus on the smaller things. The sensation of their lips, their breath on your skin, their hands moving on your body, and of course the more intense bits. Bring your mind back into the moment and enjoy every little bit about it. Not the aesthetic of it. For example, I cannot help but curl my toes if a guy is kissing or breathing into my ear – I don’t know about you girlies but it just DOES something to me. So when that happens it really brings me into the moment. So if there is something that you really enjoy, don’t be afraid to ask!

Communicate with your partner – This is a tough one as there is a very fine line between having a praise kink, and just seeking validation. A little validation here and there is harmless, but depending on it for reassurance becomes addictive isn’t sustainable. It’s a hard truth angels, but it isn’t someone else’s job to hold up our self-esteem. It has to come from within to be sustainable. But, it’s okay to communicate these anxieties with your partner without seeking validation. I was having sex with a guy once and during missionary, he looked me dead in the eyes, smiled and said “you’re so beautiful”. When I say I almost grabbed my phone to book a wedding venue!! That isn’t seeking validation, it’s just something that’s nice to hear! So discussing what you like with your partner before to help make the experience better for you both is key. If you like words of affirmation, communicate this to your partner so they can introduce this into the bedroom if they haven’t already. They’re not responsible for holding up your self-esteem, but they sure as hell can give it a little boost.

If you consume porn, make it ethical -Ethical pornography is created in a way that showcases real sex and realistic intimacy. It often showcases real bodies, doesn’t cut out the silly laughable moments, focusses on the pleasure of everyone involved (especially women) AND prioritises the beauty of emotional connection. We don’t see any of this in mainstream porn, and on TV we only see the glamourised romantic side of things. If porn is something you enjoy, consuming ethical porn may help re-evaluate your view on sex and our expectations towards it, leading to a healthier and more enjoyable sex life.

Now, go and have a perfect anxiety-free sex life!!! I’m of course kidding. Anxiety is normal, and for some people sex can be one of the most anxiety inducing things we do, but it doesn’t have to be. By slowly working on these different things, it can lead towards a more pleasure driven sex-life.