What to do if you think your teenager is in an abusive relationship

Something feels off. Your teenager has become quieter lately, maybe they spend less time with friends, or their partner is constantly messaging to check where they are. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but your gut tells you something isn’t right. This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we’re sharing advice on what to do if you think your teenager might be in an abusive relationship. We’ll look at how to talk to them about it, how to recognise the signs, and how to support them safely and calmly.

It’s never easy to step in when it comes to your child’s relationship. Many young people see their first relationships as private, and parents often worry about overreacting or pushing them away. But if something looks controlling or harmful, it’s time to take notice.

Abuse can affect anyone, regardless of age, background or gender. In the UK, one in four women and one in six men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. Among young people, controlling and coercive behaviour is becoming increasingly common, both in person and online. Abuse isn’t just about bruises or shouting. It can be manipulation, control, gaslighting, financial pressure, or being cut off from friends and family. Sometimes it’s quiet and hard to see, but it is always serious.

Trust your instincts and look for warning signs

You know your child better than anyone. If their confidence has faded, their mood has changed, or they seem nervous when they get messages from their partner, it could be a sign that something is wrong.

You might notice their partner criticises them, checks their phone, or tries to control who they see and what they do. Your teenager might stop doing things they enjoy or pull away from family and friends. These are all warning signs of controlling or abusive behaviour.

Start the conversation gently

If you’re worried, try to talk at a calm, quiet time when you won’t be interrupted. Avoid lecturing or accusing, as that can make a teenager shut down. You could start with something simple like, “You don’t seem quite yourself lately. Is everything okay with your partner?” or “I’ve noticed you seem anxious when they call. Do you want to talk about it?”

The aim is not to make them defend their relationship but to show that you’re a safe, understanding person to talk to.

Listen and believe them

If they open up, focus on listening rather than asking lots of questions. They may feel ashamed, confused, or scared. Tell them you believe them and that you’re proud of them for talking to you. Phrases like “You don’t deserve to be treated that way” or “I’m glad you told me” can make a huge difference.

Try not to criticise their partner directly, as this can make them defensive or stop them sharing more. Keep your tone calm and reassuring.

Avoid reacting with anger

It’s completely natural to feel protective or angry, but try to stay composed. Getting angry at your teenager or their partner can make them feel trapped or guilty. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult and sometimes dangerous. Your role is to stay steady and supportive, not to make decisions for them.

Reassure them that whenever they’re ready to make a change, you’ll be there to help them do it safely.

Offer support and information

Ask what kind of help they want rather than deciding for them. You could say, “Would you like me to help you find someone to talk to?” or “Do you want me to go with you to get advice?”

If they’re ready, suggest specialist organisations that support young people in abusive relationships, such as:

• Refuge – National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, free and confidential)
  
• Women’s Aid – womensaid.org.uk
  
• Respect Men’s Advice Line – 0808 801 0327
  
• Childline – 0800 1111
  
• The Mix – themix.org.uk (support for under-25s)
  

If you ever believe your child is in immediate danger, call 999. Their safety comes first.

Keep showing that you care

Even if your teenager doesn’t want to talk right away, keep letting them know you’re there. Small gestures like checking in or offering to spend time together can help them feel less isolated. If they decide to leave the relationship, stay close afterwards. They might feel lonely, anxious, or even miss their partner. That’s normal. Help them rebuild their confidence and remind them that healthy love never involves fear or control.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone through an abusive situation is emotionally exhausting. Make sure you have someone to talk to, or reach out for advice yourself through the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or a local support service. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

No parent wants to imagine their child being mistreated. But by staying calm, patient and informed, you can help your teenager feel seen, supported and safe enough to take their next steps.