We’ve got to talk about consent

As part of Brook’s Safer Sex Rules campaign, Media and Campaigns Officer Kenya Scarlett shares their personal experiences to give a stark reminder of why we must teach all young people about consent. 

Over the festive period Brook delivers a campaign called Safer Sex Rules, which is a reaction to the alarming rise of STIs over the past few years. During the campaign we cover various topics, including contraception. We look at the 15 different types of contraception, including using condoms. We also share information on emergency contraception, and STI testing. The final topic we cover is consent.

Consent is mandatory and is the foundation for great sex.

There are lots of conversations happening at the moment around the benefit of teaching consent to young people of all genders. A part of that conversation which is important to highlight is what may happen to the mental health of someone who goes through an experience of non-consensual sex. 

I have experienced non-consensual sex a few times in my life, and this has deeply affected my mental health. There is no right or wrong way to react to non-consensual sex and sometimes the reaction can be immediate or delayed – I had a delayed response. The first time I was aware something had happened I was 18, but it had actually happened to me when I was around 16 as well. It was like my brain had erased this from my memory, and it only came back up in my mid-twenties. 

When I was 18 and this happened, it was a confusing time because my perception of non-consensual sex was hindered by a societal view that we are fed when we are young. It wasn’t a stranger who attacked me walking home at night, I wasn’t spiked and passed out – it was a friend, someone who I had trusted. As a result, I struggled to process this as non-consensual sex. 

A few things happened around that time and for many years afterwards. The first was developing a mental health condition called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD can occur immediately after a traumatic event or even several years after. There are many symptoms of PTSD but some of those include involuntarily re-living the trauma through flashbacks, nightmares and physical sensations such as sweating or feeling sick. Other symptoms I had were constant negative thoughts about what happened, asking questions in my head trying to come to terms with the event that led to feelings of shame, which were exacerbated by not being believed by people who I saw as friends at the time, which was also linked to racism. 

I ended up avoiding a lot of things that would even be a small reminder of that time.

I ended up not feeling comfortable going back to the town where I grew up for fear of seeing him. When I did go back, I was in constant fight or flight mode. I withdrew, gave up and started numbing myself in soulless self-destructive activities just to forget for a moment. I couldn’t sleep, nearly failing my first year of university. Thankfully, one of my lecturers noticed my absence and helped pull me through the swamp – I’m not sure if I would have made it without them noticing the pain I was going through.  

It’s common for people with PTSD to develop depression and anxiety, I developed an anxiety disorder called Panic Disorder where I would have random panic attacks. The first I remember vividly was in a lecture in front of a whole class when I was 21. It wasn’t an overnight cure that I went through, no big epiphany, rather a series of highs and lows that eventually morphed more into highs. Over the past 12 years since it happened, the trauma presented itself in the most unexpected ways. You can be absolutely fine and then suddenly a scene in a film takes you back, or a story in the news. At the age of 30, I have really conquered demons I could have never imagined defeating when I was younger. 

This is why educating about consent at a young age is so important.

There is a lot of emphasis on what women and girls should do to prevent non-consensual sex, such as walking home with a key in your knuckles, paying for a taxi home (which are getting more and more expensive), and being careful about what to wear. But we know none of this is helpful without men and boys also being educated about what behaviour is and isn’t appropriate. That’s why looking at the power some influential figures – like Andrew Tate – have, and what they are promoting, is scary because there are young people who look up to them and listen to what they say. 

This isn’t to say that non-consensual sex only happens to women and girls; it happens to people of all genders. Our communities need to come together to champion the power and pleasure in consent. Consent requires communication and people can withdraw consent at any time. Have conversations and ask your partner what they enjoy and what makes them feel good. Listen to what they say and respect their boundaries – everybody is different. What one person likes doesn’t mean another does. Read their body language, do they seem relaxed and comfortable? 

Although traumatic events happened to me, since then I have been in loving and respectful relationships that have restored my faith and safety in sex. This was also helped by the support of friends and professional support from therapists. There is real enjoyment in sex when it’s safe and people feel heard and seen. Consent is sexy, don’t forget that!