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However hard it is to deal with a breakup, you will get through this difficult period. And there are things you can do to help you cope.
Breaking up with someone is rarely easy. Even if it’s your decision, you’ll probably feel some sadness and miss things about your ex.
If you’ve been dumped, it can be especially tough. You may feel shocked if it’s come out of the blue, as well as angry, sad, rejected or all sorts of other emotions.
Below you’ll find advice to help you through the different stages from deciding it’s time to end the relationship to coping with heartbreak and being on your own again.
Sometimes deciding to split up is straightforward – you just know it’s the right thing to do and the time has come to do it. But often it’s not that clearcut.
If things are perhaps not as good as they used to be but does that mean you should end it? Maybe one you is about to move away to study and you don’t know if you want a long-distance relationship. Or maybe you’ve felt attracted to someone else and you’re not sure what this means for your relationship.
Weighing up the pros and cons
If you too are feeling confused, you could try writing down how you feel.
This may help you weigh up the pros and cons of staying together or splitting up.
Before deciding, you could also consider:
Bringing up difficulties in your relationship can be awkward. But if you’re having doubts, maybe they are too? By talking and listening to each other, you may be able to work things out together.
Sometimes, just voicing what you’re feeling can help you see things more clearly. It can be difficult to talk to a friend about the bad parts of your relationship but it’s really helpful to because they will often want more for you than you do yourself. If there’s things that you’re putting up with, your friend can give you the perspective needed to see if the relationship is working or not.
If you’re ever frightened of your partner or can think of any way in which they try to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, or harm you physically or sexually, then it’s really important to get help. These types of behaviour count as abuse and abuse usually gets worse over time. See more about abuse and how to get help.
You’ve made the decision and it’s time to end it, but how do you do it?
There’s no set way to break up and it’s impossible to completely avoid upsetting the other person.
But unless you really don’t care how they’ll feel, it’s worth planning what you’ll say to break the news as kindly as possible.
If they were breaking up with you, would you want them to tell you in person, call you or do it by text? Would you be upset if other people found out about it first?
But you’re also likely to understand the other person quite well at this point, if you know breaking up over text is going to be really hurtful to them, it’s not the way to go about it.
Try to explain your reasons gently and honestly and avoid saying anything hurtful that you don’t need to say. You don’t need to tell them the reasons if there’s nothing they can do to change those reasons.
Choose a time when they’re more likely to be able to lean on friends or family for support. Avoid humiliating them by telling them in front of friends or in a public place.
If you’re in a situation where you’re worried that they might get angry or violent if you end with them, then you need to put your safety first. This might mean not meeting with them in person or having someone else with you.
If you’ve just broken up with someone, it’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions including sadness, anger, regret, anxiety, relief.
You may not believe it right now but however awful you feel at this moment, you won’t continue to feel this bad forever.
Psychologists sometimes compare the experience of going through a break up to a bereavement. The other person hasn’t died but you can still feel this huge sense of loss. With time these feelings of overwhelming sadness will get less intense and happier feelings will return.
Don’t sit there thinking “I can’t bother my friends with this”. Get in touch with your friends and make plans to see them. Some friends are good for talking, others are good for making you laugh and others for going out and taking your mind off things. Having fun with friends will remind you that you can have a good time without your ex.
Friends, fun and getting out are what you need when you’re feeling low. It may be tempting to hide away, but try going out even if you have to push yourself.
Breaking up can knock your self-confidence so it’s important to be nice to yourself and take time to do things you enjoy. You’ll probably find that doing things that make you feel good about yourself will help you get over it a lot quicker.
If you’re feeling low, getting enough sleep, eating healthily (lots of fruit and veg and not too many sweets and crisps) doing some exercise and avoiding too much alcohol will all help.
Your heart might be broken, you might still really want to have sex with them, but if it’s over, then it probably really is over. If you’ve been dumped and they’ve made up their mind, it’s tough but you have to accept it’s not going to work.
It may feel like you’ll never meet anyone else but in time you’ll find that you will. Being confident about yourself, doing the things you enjoy and getting out with your friends will all increase your chances of meeting someone.
New people or new sexual relationships can be fun and can help people get over breakups. But be careful of being on the rebound and falling for someone just because it makes you feel good. A bit of time on your own to get your head together is not a bad thing.
Some people can remain friends after a breakup, others find it too hard. Even if you stay friends, having a bit of distance and a bit of time out can be helpful.
Doing things like texting them, looking them up on Facebook, and trying to find out if they are with someone new will end up doing your head in. Try instead to focus on your own life and what makes you feel good.
There are probably lots of reasons why you broke up and lots of things that weren’t perfect. But it’s easy after a break up to just remember the good things. Get a reality check by remembering the bad times as well. Acknowledging what the relationship was lacking can help you move on.
Getting over someone is often a lot harder than we think and it can take a lot longer.
There’s no right answer to this as everyone is different. Some people can stay friends and not feel that it harms them in any way while other people can’t move on while they’re still in contact with them.
It may depend on whether you were friends before the relationship in which case being friends afterwards may be slightly easier. If you have mutual friends you might have to stay in touch with them to some extent but don’t be afraid to put your needs first and avoid seeing them. If you stay friends having a break from each other is still really important.
It’s easily done but having sex with your ex can cause even more heartache for one of you or both of you. The longer you go without seeing each other, the easier it’ll be to get over them so each time you see them it can set you back a bit and you may find yourself thinking about them more afterwards.
And don’t forget STIs and pregnancy are a risk if you have unplanned sex without protection.
There’s no standard amount of time that it takes to get over someone. It often depends on the person, what the relationship was like and how it ended. You might find it only takes a few months or you might still think about them years later.
The key part is that it does get easier with time – the more time you spend apart, the less you’ll think about them and the more you can get on with your life.
It can be really tempting to get in touch with them particularly, if you’re thinking about them a lot and wondering if they’re thinking about you. But this is normally temporary and does get easier with time.
In the meantime, here are some things that might help:
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