How to talk to your child about consent

Consent is a topic we often get asked about at Brook, and many parents worry about how to broach this topic with their children. In this blog, Nicola Rowe, a Brook Education and Wellbeing Specialist, and Rachel Balshaw, a Brook Chlamydia Screening Outreach Worker, talk about some key information and steps you can take to help make it easier.

It is important to remember that everyone parents differently, because there are many factors which affect how we parent. Our own family values, our life experience and, of course, how we were raised all shape our parenting styles.

There is no one way of parenting, nor is there one way of having these conversations with our children and young people.

However it looks in your family, it’s still important that we all talk about consent with our young people. Consent is part of our everyday lives, and it lays the groundwork for healthy, safe relationships from childhood into adulthood. 

It’s not just sexual consent

When we talk about consent, we don’t just mean sexual consent. Talking to children and young people about consent includes teaching them that their body is their own and they have the right to say who can or can’t touch it.  

For some families, this newfound understanding of consent means that young children may begin to say ‘no’ to kisses and hugs from visiting family members, or perhaps refuse help when getting dressed in the morning. Although this may feel a little difficult at first, the message about their body being their own is essential.  

Knowing from a young age that they can say ‘no’ and the people around them respect that, helps our children to grow up expecting that others will do the same.  

Some disabled children and young people may need assistance in activities that require intimate care, such as dressing, bathing and going to the toilet. Whilst these are essential things that your child needs, it’s still important to make sure all the adults involved in that care are able to allow the child to set boundaries, and that they ask if they can perform the task every time they do it. Remind your child that the fact that they are disabled shouldn’t ever mean that they have less of a choice over what happens to their body than anyone else.  

What does consent actually mean?

Is it as simple as ‘yes’ means ‘yes and ‘no’ means ‘no’?

At Brook we like to use the term ‘enthusiastic consent’ – a yes should be enthusiastic. Somebody may say the word ‘yes’ even if they don’t want to, so it’s important to note the body language, facial expressions and tone of voice- and check in if they aren’t a hundred percent sure. A good way to demonstrate this with your child or teenager is by getting them to ask you an easy question, such as do they want a bag of crisps. An example of enthusiastic consent would be something like “oh yes, I really would” and putting out their hand, and a non-enthusiastic response that still says ‘yes’ in theory might be “okay, yeah, go on then” in a flat tone of voice whilst shrugging.  

Another important part of consent is the right to withdraw your choice at any point –  

• even if you’ve already agreed to have sex with someone 
• even if you’ve already taken your clothes off or started to have sex 
• even if you’ve had sex before with this person in the past 

A “no” always means “no”, and everyone has the right to say “no” at any point.  

As a young person navigates their way in a new relationship, they may find it difficult to know how to react in sexual situations because it’s new and exciting. But by giving and getting sexual consent, it means that they have a mutual respect if at any point they decide they don’t want to continue. Communication is key, and being able to talk and trust a partner helps to build a healthy relationship.  

how do I start a conversation about consent with my child?

1. Start small.
   Many parents feel nervous talking about topics relating to relationships and consent. Try bringing it up while you’re doing something else, such as driving or cooking, so that your young person doesn’t feel the focus is all on them.  
2. Be prepared to have multiple attempts.
   If they’re unwilling to talk about it try directing them to other sources of information such as the brook website.  
3. TV and film can be a great place to start discussions.  
   The visual aspect can help young people understand consent and highlight ‘enthusiastic consent’ and body language. Or in some cases, show a lack of conversations and boundaries before getting intimate, perhaps if someone is grabbed for a passionate kiss in a movie- but this can be a great entry point to starting these conversations with your young person.  
4. Try messaging if they’re really embarrassed.
   If your teen finds this overly embarrassing, you could also try sharing news stories or social media posts via messaging- many find a non-face-to-face approach less awkward. 
5. We don’t always need to make it a formal conversation about consent. 
   Instead, it might be a conversation reassuring them that their body, their space and their choices are their own. They have the right to set boundaries and no one should get upset or offended about that.

Consent is a key part of all our lives, and talking about it with your children not only helps deepen their understanding but also makes it easier for them to come to you should they be worried about it.