“I’m not in the mood tonight, sorry”: Why our libido fluctuates

Max Hovey is a content creator and writer. As part of Stress Awareness Month, he explains why a mismatch in libidos isn’t always a cause for concern and how we can manage conversations about it with our partners.

Hearing that our partner doesn’t want to have sex with us can sometimes feel personal, but it rarely is.

At the same time, when we’re the person who isn’t in the mood, we can feel still feel like there is something wrong with us. Surely if I’m in a relationship I should want to sleep with them all of the time? Especially when we compare it to the early ‘honeymoon’ phase, or depictions of relationships we see on screen. However, there are often completely innocent explanations to this. Around 80% of couples experience what is known as a mismatched libido, where one person has a higher sex drive than the other. THAT’S how common it is. It is incredibly likely that you’ll have to have this conversation with your partner at some point, and knowing the potential reasons why will make this conversation so much easier.

I went through this SO much with an ex. Our sex drives were completely misaligned. I am horny like all of the time (literally like it becomes hard to get work done), and he didn’t initiate sex with me once the entire 2 and a half years were were together. It was always me suggesting it, and often being met with a “yeah can do!” with very little enthusiasm. I was fine compromising on this as we communicated. He simply didn’t think to initiate because he wasn’t as driven. As I was more driven, it was just more likely that I would start before he even had the chance.

The important thing with misaligned libidos is to talk about it and better understand each other’s needs, desires and boundaries.

So here are some things to think about: How much does the misaligned libido bother you? How frequently are you turned down/do you have to turn them down? Are you still able to meet each other’s needs? Do you feel too pressured? It’s really important to discuss these and ensure that communication is flowing. The majority of scenarios in relationships can be resolved through simply talking about it. This will help you both better understand if it is something that can be worked through, or if it’s something that will inevitably end the relationship.

Whilst I am more than happy to compromise, and have done many times, there is a limit. Being a very sexually driven person, I need a lot of intimacy. That doesn’t mean I need to find someone who perfectly matches my sex drive because if I had my way we’d get absolutely nothing done. I just need someone who comes close enough to it that compromising doesn’t massively impact either of our needs.

Now, let’s talk about why our libido can fluctuate:

1. Mental Health – It is well known that the state of our mental health can affect our sex drive. Some who are depressed, anxious or stressed lose all desire to have sex when they’re struggling. When we’re stressed or anxious, we can have higher levels of cortisol (AKA the stress hormone). This can become more prominent than our sex hormones, inhibiting our desire to have sex. When we’re depressed, our overall self-worth and energy levels can lower, reducing our desire to be physically vulnerable.
2. Medication – This one I can speak on from experience. I have been on antidepressants (citalopram) for around 4 years now, and I honestly cannot remember the last time I came (ejaculated) with a guy. I seem to be able to alone, but with a partner it’s almost impossible. Certain medications, specifically SSRIs can impact our desire to have sex. Mine haven’t reduced my desire at all, I’m still basically in heat constantly. I just struggle to have an orgasm. For others, this can make it difficult to become physically aroused, resulting in erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness. Other hormonal medications, such as contraception might also impact our sex drive.
3. Substances – We’ve all heard of a guy who’s struggled to get it up after a few too many beers, and that’s incredibly common. Alcohol doesn’t just impact our speech, thought process and ability to walk in a straight line. It also impacts things we don’t even think about, like the signals our brains send down south to make someone’s dick hard. Those little signals get tipsy too and can stagger off course and end up in a bush (the wrong kind), meaning that willy stays well and truly asleep.
4. Relationship problems – Unfortunately yes, this is one of them. Whether it be how you speak to each other, if you’re fighting more than normal, if one of you doesn’t wash the dishes, loss of attraction etc. There are so many issues within a relationship that can arise, that they are more than likely going to impact your desire to have sex with one another. So, the first thing to address is how you see your partner. If there is no issues here, it may be something more subconscious.

And sometimes, there just isn’t a specific reason!

We’re all human and we’re all unique, so to meet someone whose desire matches up with ours perfectly is incredibly rare.

So experiencing a mismatched libido is more than likely to happen. All we can do in these scenarios is communicate and discuss how we can make it work. If your partner has a lower libido without an obvious reason, and it’s bothering you, communicate this with them gently to see if there is a reason for it. If your partner has a higher libido and you feel too much pressure, you’re not sure why yours is lower or you know exactly why, communicate this with your partner and see if this is something you can work through. If there is no clear reason for it, then it may be worth speaking to your healthcare provider to see if there are any underlying issues impacting your libido.

The ONE thing we’re not going to do is start playing the blame game.

Sex is a very vulnerable thing and can be one of the most anxiety inducing topics in a relationships. I know it can be tough, but don’t let the topic fester away until you explode. Talk about it and you may be able to work through it. Tell your partner how you feel, not what they’ve done “wrong”. If you’re intimate enough with someone to let them put something inside you (or vice versa) then you should be able to talk about the subject.