Having great sex (safely!)

In order to have great sex, you need to have a good understanding of what you actually want. Every person has a unique sexuality, which is made up of their sexual orientation, their sexual drive, and their wants and desires.  

It is important to understand your sexuality so you can set boundaries, recognise what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, and know what kind of sex you want to be having, with who and how often. 

Pause for a moment to think about your own sex life. Are you happy about the amount of sex you have? If you’re in a relationship, is the happiness of your relationship linked to the amount of sex or types of sex you have? If you aren’t having sex at the moment, how does that make you feel? How often do you think about sex? What gets you in the mood? What turns you off?  

There’s absolutely nothing unhealthy about not wanting sex, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting lots of it. Sexual desire is unique to each person, and often fluctuates a lot throughout life for various reasons.  

Some factors might affect your judgement and safety. These could be general things or something unique to you. For example, if you have been drinking alcohol or taking drugs, this might affect the decisions you make or put you in a vulnerable position. Another example could be going out with someone who encourages you to take part in certain activities.  

Setting boundaries can feel challenging, especially if you aren’t used to having those types of conversations. It can really help to practise those conversations, so you feel comfortable knowing and following your boundaries in the moment. This can either be actually practising saying things out loud on your own or with a friend, or just running through situations in your head, working out what might happen and what you might then say or do. 

It’s important that everyone involved in any type of sex is consenting at all times – no one should ever feel they have to do something they are not comfortable with or don’t want to do. Just because you have consented to one thing doesn’t mean you have consented to something else, and it’s completely okay to say ‘no’ or stop at any point if you don’t want to continue. 

Whatever form sex and intimacy takes in relationships, privacy is often very important to people.  

It can sometimes be difficult to create privacy, especially if you don’t live alone. If you live with housemates then it can be harder to find time alone with someone without being disturbed, and if one or both of you lives at home with your family, this can reduce your opportunities to be intimate together. 

It really depends on your family and their attitudes to your relationship. They might be relaxed about you spending time together alone, in which case, it may be less of a big deal. But if they’re not so comfortable with it, then this can make things more complicated. 

The first thing to say is that it’s probably wise to respect your family’s rules. Getting caught breaking them will probably result in a combination of extreme embarrassment and, potentially, more rules. Try to talk them about it if you can, to see if you can negotiate a middle ground. This is a better way to demonstrate your maturity and to earn their respect.  

Have a conversation (or lots of them!) with the person you are going to have sex with. Talk about what you want to do, what your boundaries are, what you are worried about, how you are going to make sure you have safe sex and anything else you want to discuss! Communication is key to consensual and enjoyable sex.  

It is important to keep in mind that you can still get a sexually transmitted infection (STI) even if it is your first time. If one of you has a penis and the other a vagina then pregnancy is also possible, so it is really important to have contraception sorted first.  

It’s also harder to get excited about sex if you’re worried about pregnancy or STIs. A lot of people like to visit a clinic before they have sex so that they can get tested, get free condoms and get comfortable with a type of contraception before they think about actually having sex. 

Lots of people find that physical intimacy is very important in relationships, however this doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. Other types of physical intimacy can be really rewarding and valuable, and are important to have in combination with sex as well as on their own.  

You might like to think about what kinds of physical affection are important to you. Do you like touching or being touched – and if so, in what ways? Which acts of physical affection could you live without and which feel important to you? 

The kinds of physical affection people prefer are unique to them. For example, having your arm stroked could be unbearably tickly for one person. Another person may find it soothing while another person may find it erotic.  

Here are some examples of physical intimacy to think about: 

• Cuddling 
• Kissing 
• Holding hands 
• Hair stroking 
• Massage 
• Back stroking 
• Back scratching 
• Showering/bathing together 
• Napping together 

There’s no rush when it comes to sex; in fact, going slowly can help you get more turned on, be more present, feel more pleasure and have bigger orgasms! Take your time kissing and touching each other, for example, exploring each other’s erogenous zones. Or, step back from sex and try something else like giving each other massage, or taking a bath or shower together.  

Expectations of sex often centre around a certain order of activities, and often around penetrative sex. However, there are so many different ways to have sex, and you will only find out what things you enjoy by trying them!  

Trying new things and being adventurous can be really exciting, and can take you by surprise! It’s important to remember when trying something new to talk about it, get consent and take your time to make sure you and your partner have the time and space to see how you feel about it.  

Another part of the ‘script’ of sex can be the expectation to have an orgasm. Orgasms are fun, but if that is your only aim it can take the fun out of sex. Also, putting pressure on yourself or your partner to have an orgasm can actually make it harder to do, and can encourage performance anxiety rather than enjoyment.  

Our advice is to let go of any ‘scripts’ about how sex should be and go with the flow! Taking the pressure off certain activities and being flexible with your expectations can help you relax and enjoy being intimate with someone.